Diary Journal 9/11/1998 The Day we Met.

Natasha found this journal entry i had made on the day we meet for the very first time in Queens Park, Ipswich Qld.

Mon 9-11-98

Well this morning my mind, feelings and emotions have frozen. I don’t know what to think. It’s 5.30am in the morning and I’m ready to meet Natasha this very instant. I need to wait until at least 8am before I can call her in Toowoomba. I realize she had a huge drive, late night and needs some sleep. Well the kids are awake, peters getting ready for work and he agrees that he is ready to meet Natasha at our home after he comes home from work. Music to my ears. I couldn’t believe it. Well the morning shift getting the kids ready went faster than any day. We were all ready to leave and it was 7.45am. on a normal school day we are pushing to get out of the door at 8.10 – 8.20am. Just my luck. 15 more minutes to wait before i call Toowoomba. We still haven’t confirmed the name of the park that we are meeting at in Ipswich. I know its Queens Park on Brisbane Rd, I’m not sure Tash knows its this park. Anyway off to school as usual. I drop Ayrlie and Zac off, then Liam. I’m so nervous. I go buy a Diet Coke at 8.30am. I get in my car. Destination IPSWICH to meet my daughter that haven’t seen in 18 years. I have talked to Natasha for hours and hours the past month. We have swapped photos and Natasha slipped in a video the week before we actually get to meet and touch each other. The last month at home has been “HELL”. Peter and I had to work out this whole situation. He was totally shocked, hurt and confused when I told him I have a 18 year old daughter and that nobody else had known about not even him. Take in mind Peter and I have been together for 13 years of those 18!!!!!! I prayed and i never lost faith that peter would understand the decisions I made. Our love for each other is unconditional. In fact Natasha – You have brought us closer together. All these thoughts are going through my mind while i am driving to Ipswich. I swear I was driving 120kph. I couldn’t get their quick enough.

Bingo – I’m shaking and I start to laugh and cry all at the same time. I tried to stop myself from blubbering because i want to hold myself together for when we meet. Well I’m now on Brisbane Rd., turn the corner and I’m at the Park. Looking frantically for Natasha in Blue pants and white top. I can’t see her. I park under a shady Jacaranda tree and fumble out of my car. God – I think, Will she like what she sees? Will she like the person I am? Will she be disappointed? Will she hit me, abuse me? All these crazy thoughts. I still can’t see her.

I walk around the park. NO TASH. I then wonder if i have the correct park. I walk up to the canteen to ask if this was Queens Park. The lady smiles and says “YES”. PHEWW!!! I would have died if i had the wrong park. It was 9.10am still NO TASH. I sit on the park bench sussing out every single car that drives past. I forgot what type of car Tash said she would be in. We had arranged to meet on Brisbane Rd side of the park. She was coming from Toowoomba and it looked tricky to cross the main road from that direction to get to the park.

I thought to myself. They have missed the park. They are probably heading for Brisbane. I was going to wait until 9.30am then find a phone and call Tash’s mobile. I have to PEE. I go to the LOO. Race back out. Still NO TASH. I sit at the table and notice a silver car with tinted windows and NSW number plates. I FEEL SICK.

I notice Jason gets out for a stretch then goes back into the car. Minutes which seems like hours later no-one gets out of the car! I know its them, I think to myself – Natasha can’t do it – She doesn’t want

to get out of the car. I want to run down to the car and meet everyone at once. Then I remember the councillor at Jigsaw advised me to see only Tash at 1st on natural grounds then meet others later. So I can’t sit still. I stand to walk and see that number plates are from NSW – They are. I watch from the distance, Natasha and her mum get out of the car. I was so nervous i hid behind the toilet block as i could see Natasha and Sandra hugging each other with support. I walk around toilet block to see Jason drive Sandra off in the car and this beautiful looking girl, my height and stature walking towards me. I wanted to run down the bank and roll in the grass, hug, kiss and be silly. I wanted to just look at her. At this stage I’m not feeling anything. I have a smile from ear to ear. My heart is pounding. My palms sweating! We come together and embrace. All my dreams come true from that second on.

Regardless what was to follow. The daughter I had to adopt was in my arms. I could feel her skin, smell her being, touch her, talk to her. MY GOD – I thank you for bringing her into my life! I can’t explain what it meant when we just looked into each other’s eyes. I know we are complete strangers yet i felt some sort of innate connection EVERY time i look into your eyes. You are beautiful. I feel so proud of you. I’m bursting. I just want to hold you and never let you go. I still haven’t found any works to describe exactly what it is that I’m experiencing.

We decide to go to the canteen have a cuppa and compare fingers and toes. Well we had a great Ol chat and look and chat and stare and cry and chat and look and stare…… What – A – Day!!! I’m now bursting to meet Sandra. I want to just hold Natasha’s head in both hands, run my fingers in her hair and kiss her face all over. I have a silly cold sore from nervous tension which prevents me to do this. I will get another chance I hope.

The morning is kind of a blurr. Natasha jumps in my car. Off we drive. How strange. Just like that. Off we go to window shop in Ipswich. So I get an idea what Natasha likes and dislikes. We both like gold, we have similar tastes in clothes, Different taste in smelling things, soaps, perfumes tec. We walk into a bra and undies shop looking for a bargain. Don’t ask me why but i just blurted out that Natasha was my daughter. Well the sales lady just looked at us, her mouth hit the floor. She looked at me and said. Your too you. She looked at Tash and said you’re too mature. We just looked at each other and laughed. Well time clicked over soon enough for us to mozzie back to the park to meet Sandra and Jason. Tash and i arrived back at 12pm. Jason turned up without Sandra OOHHH! Then up pulls a cab with Sandra running out the door with a beautiful bunch of flowers “Roses” Red Roses for ME. Well i just fell in love with Sandra that very second. She is everything I prayed my daughter would have in her life. Bruce our time will come to meet each other. I know you where there in spirit. All i could do was hug and thank Sandra for being the person that she is. I hugged and cried but at the same time felt at peace in Sandra’s arms. What a beautiful lady she is. Natasha was blessed to have Sandra and Bruce as parents. Sandra is everything i could not have been for Natasha. Natasha is who she is because of the love, support and guidance that Bruce and Sandra have given her. I’m not jealous but proud that “I DID” do a good thing for everyone. Off we went to lunch at the Centenary Tavern.

We sat, looked, touched, stared, cried at each other. Sandra showed me information that she kept over the years all on Natasha. Even the bracelet  that mum bought for her when she was born. 18 years old and still shinny gold the same when we bought it. WOW!!! What a rush. Well time still ticking we decided to part ways. Jason has to take Sandra to Caboolture. I’ll take Tash to meet her

Brother and Sister. We go to school to pick up Ayrlie then to Day care to pick up Liam. I instantly feel comfortable having Natasha by my side. It has helped by talking to her hours and hours the last month. We have done allot of ground work.

Here I am with a grin like a Cheshire cat with MY 3 CHILDREN with ME in the car. Pinch me I’m dreaming. We are now off for a quick stop. OOPS i forgot to mention i took Natasha to meet my best friend in the whole wide world Beverley. Then we went to school to pick up the kids. Now we are off for a quick stop to meet my mum and dad. (Nanna and Poppy). Then most of all to meet Peter. I rang from mums and he was giving a shower and shave. This was a good sign, we stayed a little longer then for the big intro and welcome to our home. I’m driving up our driveway and I’m excited and nervous how Peter is going to be. Well we enter and peter is sitting outside. He comes in and I introduce him to my daughter Natasha. They shake hands and look at each other. Then Ayrlie swoops Natasha into her room to show her some things. Peter turns to me and says that she “Natasha” looks like me. I just smile from ear to ear. How proud I am of peter. I love him unconditionally.

More excitement is coming for Natasha because she is going to meet her Birth Dad tonight as well. So she arranges to meet him in a coffee shop close by. Jason isn’t back yet,  so i take her up there and introduce her to him. I’ve never seen anyone so nervous. Well I arrange to come back in ½ – 1hr. I’m off to weight watchers. I have Ayrlie with me. We meet Valetta. I ask if she would like to meet my daughter. Well Letty’s mouth nearly hit the floor. She went all flustered. Let followed me to the coffee shop where we were to pick up Tash. They were deep in conversation. We joined them for a minute then Let and i went to our cars to wait for Tash to say Goodbye. It was great to see him interested and accepting Natasha as his. What a lucky girl to meet her birth mother and father all in the one day.

Natasha you must be mentally exhausted. Well back home we go. I go and get drinks and KFC. We spent most of the night just looking and smiling at each other. It was great having Valetta there with me. She is such a great friend. Peter, Jason, Natasha and I sat up until 2.30am talking. Jason was rolling on the floor laughing he was having such a great time comparing Tash and I with Peter.

It really is amazing how much alike Tash and I are. To think i have had NO influence in her life what so ever the past 18 years yet our aneurisms, personality, facial expressions are so alike. SOMEONE PINCH ME I’m dreaming. I can’t explain Natasha the connection i feel to you when you look into my eyes. I will never forget my feelings.

I ache with pain yet I’m overfilled with joy and happiness to actually sit beside you, feel your breath, touch your skin, pat your hair, look into your eyes. I bonded to you instantly. Natasha – I will always love you. Now when I think of you I have a real person to relate to.

THANK YOU FOR BEING IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

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3 responses

  1. As mentioned before I don’t remember a lot of that day we met in the park. More from the brain overload. However I do want to tell you about meeting Peter for the first time.
    The month leading up to the day we discussed that Peter didn’t know about me and how were we going to have the secret relationship until you had that courage to tell him. I remember having to say that I was an old skating friend from the day. I think I only used that once to him on the phone.. weird.. I felt soo bad for the lie but I didn’t care. All I cared was the communication I wanted with you. I would do anything. I was prepared to do that for the rest of my life. I was prepared to see you behind his back. I guess being 18 we do deceitful things without really considering the Bigger picture of hurting people. Nothing was going to stop me from talking to you away from your family.
    I remember when you eventually told me that you told Peter. We discussed the issues you faced and you telling me that you guys almost ended your relationship.
    FAR OUT what have I done to this complete stranger. Why have I jeopardised the mother father relationship for my potential sister and Brother. How could I do this? All this just because I wanted that family portrait with someone that looked like me. What have I done? I remember crying. All I thought about was Ayrlie and Liam and how I was the KID responsible for splitting up there mum and dad.
    The relief I felt the day you told me Peter was coming around. I think he had a good chat with a close friend who told him to get a grip is what I remember. But then you asked me to go to your home.
    OMG how can I face that man who had such anger at you for the story you never told him. How can I look at his face and tell him all want is my picture with Vivienne. How do I tell this man that I don’t need a mother, money, home or I am not going to take Vivienne away from him. Peter, you scared me. You would have been my only reason for not meeting in that park that day. You would have been the only reason I would of never meet Ayrlie and Liam with your blessing. Do I hate you? Am I angry because you never knew and I felt sooo guilty for what I did to you and Vivienne? How am I going to walk in that door.
    I heard your laugh as I walked to the front door. You sound large. You sound in control of the family. Are you going to stare me down? Who’s nervous know. I was more nervous meeting you then Viv.. I remember physically looking up to you as I said Hello. You were this tall lanky tanned guy that had the funniest laugh. I don’t know why I shook your hand I suppose it was the first thing that my body did. I suppose to keep distance and I meant business I guess.
    I do remember saying thank you for letting me into HIS house and I won’t stay long. I even said to him that I am not a threat to this family I am just a stupid KID wanting to know where I came from and I will leave if he wanted me too. For those who know Peter he bellowed out this loud Laugh and said..
    ‘Don’t be silly girlie, I like you being here’
    I never felt soo relieved and then I relaxed. I suppose its like going to a interview for a job you soo desperately want or a exam you studied soo hard for. Still to this day I have great respect for Peter and I know that his journey hasn’t been easy but he knows that I am no threat. In fact I love him for everything he has let me been exposed to as in Viv and the kids. He never said no to me always welcomed me into his home and I love the cuddles we share.
    Now that my dad has passed I guess Pete you’re my closest thing to the male father figure. Not really for me but more for Chloe. I am soo proud that she asked if you could be poppy Pete. To have you except that has just helped me in soo many ways I can’t explain.
    People reading vivs story can forget about the other family members and their thoughts. I can’t wait to share about my first contact with Ayrlie and Liam.

  2. pretty sure i cried reading both mums story and tash’s response more than i did reading mums first blog. i dont remember that day at all. which is kinda good i guess. i never remember tash n jas not being around. On a parental basis, im glad mum and dad never fought in front of me and liam. i never knew about the feuds that took place between my parents until mum told me when i was much much older. I hear tash’s meeting with mum for the first time and i realised, i may never experience that same joy. strange. Mums story is so unique and im so priveleged to be a part of it. In reading this particular blog it has opened my eyes to the side of things that i’ve never noticed before, because i have grown up with such a naive and innocent mindset to this family story, and it wasn’t until now that i’ve read it all at once that i have fathomed my own mature interpretation and appreciation of how it all took place. After this blog i have, without a doubt, grown and entirely new appreciation for my dad and I am so proud of him for going about this the way he did. I know when Chloe was older and started understanding how my mum and dad fitted into her mums’ life, that she would eventually figure out that biologically my mum was her ‘Nan’ and my dad would ‘technically’ be her ‘Pop’ that being said I’m so happy that my dad actually took on board the title of Poppy Pete 🙂 oh and of course my mum Nanny Viv. It’s only in letters and stuff that Chloe and I refer to myself as Aunty Ayrlie haha, but the fact that i am an aunty, kinda hasn’t really sunk in yet. I’m so glad Tash and her little family because now when i go home i can see my brother-in-law, sister and my niece 🙂 The only thing i regret about being in the army, is not being there for my family a lot of the time :/ especially now that my wish, that tash and her family would move to brisbane (or close to :P) has come true and now i’m the one that’s living further away… That’s life i guess, the distance just makes our greetings that little bit more significant in my life 🙂 I love my family, who needs a normal family, when i have mine :)!!

  3. Leading up to the day we meet.

    Tash and Viv had been exchanging letters, phone calls and photo’s for about 6 weeks, and now they wanted to meet it was arranged we would travel to Qld for this and meet in Ipswich. Bruce at the last moment decided he could not come (too much work on). Tash and Viv had decided they would like to have the meeting with just the two of them ( how I wanted to be there I had waited 17 years for this) but this was to be their day and I would wait till 12 mid day to meet Viv.

    As the 3 of us (Tash, Jas and myself) traveled to Toowoomba, me in the back seat, I was so sad as Bruce was not beside me, I cried on and off all the way keeping it from Tash, I so wanted to do this with Bruce by my side we had adopted her together and I wanted him to meet her birth mother with me. I have always said Natasha had no say in her adoption and we always felt she had a right to know were she came from.

    After arriving in Toowoomba, Viv rang to say she had found Natashas birth father and he would like to meet her the next day as well. We rang Bruce to tell him the news, he didn’t say too much and I was so excited I didn’t pick up anything from our conversation. Off to Ipswich we go the meeting place Queens park.

    We pulled up and I look around searching for anyone that may look like Tash. Then up on the side of a hill I see a lady, I take one look and said to Tash, That is your mother up there. We get out of the car I give her a hug, get back in the car and drive off with Jas. ( All I wanted to do is run up that hill to Viv but I had agreed this was not my time, they wanted to do this alone) To this day I am not sure how I drove off and left her there in the park that day.

    Jas ask what did I wont to do? I said just let me out and I will walk around (after all what does he do with some one crying) and now starts the longest 3 hours of my life. All alone, at no time did I think to call anyone, my sister Margaret who had told me how I would be feeling as she has 2 adopted children and had found their birth mothers 1 day apart, it would be like a roller coaster ride up and down.
    I get a cup of tea to calm myself down and work out what I need to do. I need 2 cards, one for Tash and flowers and card for Viv. I set out on foot to look for these were Jas had left me, there was nothing much around there, I go in and asked if there is a shopping mall around? the lady said yes, I ask is it in walking distance and she said yes, I set off. After a few blocks I come to a small corner shop, I ask again they tell me I will need a cab to get there. I get my cab and off I go to the shopping mall. (Little did I know Tash and Viv after half hour of meeting want to meet me, they go looking for me but you guessed it I’m in a cab going further away.)

    I go into every shop with cards and just about read every one looking for that special one for them both. I find my cards and now for flowers, they must be red roses ( Natashas middle name is Rose and Bruce’s mother was Rose) I find my flowers, look at the time, I have a hour to go ( I have my sun glasses on all this time as I cry off and on) another cup of tea to pull myself together at 11.30am I can wait any more I’m going back to the park, I get a cab (telling the cab driver what I am about to do, he must have thought he had some crazy lady crying and talking all at once) I arrive at the park, stumble out of the cab and run into Viv’s arms, I had waited 17 and half years for this meeting. (I do hope I paid the Cab driver that day).

    We talked and hugged and then out comes the camera for photoes. ( Viv has used that first photo at the top of her story). We set off for lunch, at a pub I go with Viv in her car and Tash goes with Jas. Viv and I never stopped talking, it was like I had known her all my life ( in a way I have, because Tash is just like her, many a time I have got them mixed up on the phone, they do like to trick me).
    At the pub I then give Viv Tash’s 2 baby albums to look at, she studies these taking it all in. It’s then time to leave, I will meet Viv’s Mum (Natasha’s Grandmother) the next day. Jas drives me to my sisters place and Tash goes with Viv to meet her family. I ask Tash if she was going to stay at Viv’s and she said I’m not sure Mum, I will give you a ring.

    Tash rang off and on all that night she was so concerned for my feelings, I kept telling her it was fine, I didn’t mind, I was ok. I was so happy for her. In the end she said, ok then I will stay if your ok with it.
    After arriving back in Dubbo Bruce told me when he found out Tash was meeting her birth father he was quite stressed, he never had a problem with meeting Viv but he would not even look at a photo of her birthfather.

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