Mothers Day as a Birth Mum – May 2012

I  wasn’t Natasha’s mum. I really am “THE BIRTH MUM”. So  i have come to accept that after 13 years i am still finding my place.

As a Birth Mum this is another day that effects us. Mothers Day. Every year after Tash was born i would say quietly to myself. “Happy Mother’s Day Viv”. I wonder what she is giving her mum today. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if she is happy.

For the children whom are adopted and wonder if your mothers ever think of you. I can guarantee that they do every time it is Easter, Mothers Day, Your Birthday, Our birthday and Christmas just to name the times we are literally forced to think of you, not to mention the times we bump into a child your age at that time and are left wondering, or when we are at a shopping centre and see other mothers with children about the same age you would be at that moment or when visiting friends and family that have had children that would now be your age. So many times, so many times.

Most times it will be silent thoughts, non spoken but deep and true thoughts. If you have never contacted your birth mum and i know you stop and think and ask yourself “Does she ever even think or care about me? I believe in my heart, 99% honestly do. It’s how we deal with it as individuals is when you get a different result.

I know there are Birth Mums that do not want to have contact with the adopted Child. I believe it is not that she doesn’t care about you, but that the Birth Mother has been so hurt from loosing you that to be a part of your life can be just as painful because we are forced to face all those emotions all over again. IT IS NOT PRETTY I CAN TELL YOU.

Why is it, that the Birth Mother is always the afterthought? A singlemother in my generation was frowned upon, bought shame, a fluzy, a slut. Hang on a minute. Aren’t we the ones that have done one of the most wonderful things that a human being can do. GIVE UP OUR BABY to someone else just so they can have a better life. Just because society forces us to. So i ask you, why were we to be punished?

Mothers Day – God bless all those women and young girls who have given birth, and to the Birth Mothers who have  given up their babies to enrich other peoples lives so they can be blessed and have a lifetime of mothers days and also God bless those mothers who have had to deal with infant death.

Mothers Day is a happy celebration for most but spare a thought for those with much silent sadness.

Mothers Day – Happy Mothers Day.

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Western Plains Zoo – Dubbo NSW 21-6-1999

Mon 21-6-1999

Western Plains Zoo.

Up and at it again today. We are off to the famous Western plains Zoo. Ayrlie and Liam have never been to a Zoo before and I am looking forward to sharing their excitement when seeing an elephant, giraffe, tiger etc for the very 1st time. I expect the zoo to be similar to Melbourne Zoo. Sandra has packed a picnic lunch for us all. Off we go – WOW what a Zoo

Nothing like Melbourne  – More like a Safari with all outdoor animals. Tash said she wanted to drive around – I think she is just lazy. Boy wasn’t  I wrong – Man am i glad we are driving around. This place is HUGE. You really feel like your on a safari. The kids are loving it. Liam gets excited over the Zebra’s. We move on and ½ way stop for lunch in a lovely park watching the monkeys. After gauging ourselves silly we are to lazy to continue, off we go to complete the track. We venture into the Koala park, we are eye to eye with a mother and her baby – I didn’t know that mother Koalas had a pouch for their babies. The baby went snuggling inside and disappeared. Off we go to the souvenere shop to buy the kids a treat. We return back home exhausted. Peter and I book a motel for the night HUBBA!  HUBBA! The kids stay with us and are excited as this is their 1st time they have stayed in a hotel. They played in the shower, layed around in the beds and watched T.V. We bought some groceries for Brekky. What a great night sleep in the Queen Size Bed – Warm and snug. Well Peter is to leave Tuesday night so we make the most of our time together. I’m sure Sandra and Bruce neded to have a break from us as well.

Good night

Adoption Lunch and BBQ to meet the Sense Family

Sun 20.6.1999

1am Peter arrives. At last a hug and a kiss in the flesh, YAHOO! Peter meets Bruce for the 1st time. Sandra has the kettle boiled when we came back. We go to bed and the kids wake up to sleep with Daddy. Oh well, maybe my turn tomorrow night. We all set off to the Castle  Hotel for lunch and adoption meeting. Around 16 people turned up. One lady and her family drove 4hrs to join and meet us. I found the meeting very therapeutic. I was sitting at a table with women who have done exactly what I have done. Imagine that. We could have talked all arvo but it was 3pm and Sandra had arranged a Family & Friends BBQ for 5:30pm so back home we go. Tash and Jasons friend Matt came over with his new Honda CBR 1000 motorbike. What luck I get to go for a ride. 200kph, wow what a blast! What a bike! Man did I get a memory rush. Well, Sandra and I rush off to Dubbo Base Hospital to pick up salads, cheesecake and apple pie. I also go for a grand tour and meet some of Sandra’s friends. Now we head back to Sandra’s for the BBQ.

Well around 25 adults turned up with a dozen kids. Bruce has enough meat to feed an army! Peter and I met a lot of wonderful people. The Sense crowd. Well just as I was about to delve into desert, Bruce jumps up to announce that Sandra had an announcement to make. All of a sudden I feel faint. I was so overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness and acceptance that my emotions just ran away with me. Sandra brought me to tears. Here she is thanking me, yet I should be thanking her and Bruce. I don’t exactly remember what my speech was about, all I know is I feel like the luckiest person in the world! I’m healthy, my husband loves me and I now have all my 3 children in my life. Words cannot explain how and why I am feeling. All I know is what Sandra feels is 100% mutual to how I feel. I am proud of the whole situation. Ayrlie and Liam have taken to Bruce, Sandra, Jason and Tash as if they have known them for years! Kids are usually a good judge of character. Well it’s been a huge night. Sandra presented me with a beautiful plaque, something I can take home to remember our reunion in Dubbo. I’m so happy that Peter and the kids were by my side and supported me as a family. I truly believe that our reunion was definitely meant to be. Well what a huge day! I’m Nacked! Off to bed I go after talking to everybody who came. Oh yeah, I will never forget the bond that I felt when looking into Tash’s eyes when telling everyone how proud I am of her and the Sense family. I love Tash as much as my own family, yet we have only met 3 times. Yes these feelings are real. I leave Peter, Bruce, Tash and Jason around the fire to tell a few more yarns. Well I’m sneaking off to bed. Maybe Peter and I will sleep together just like old times…smelling of beer and snoring. Haha.

 

Fri 18.6.1999 – In Limbo

Fri 18.6.1999

Tash and Sandra take me into Dubbo to their home where Tash  grew up all her life at 11 Alfred St., Dubbo. What a wonderful, loving home she has.  A typical country house you can honestly call home. With plenty of home photos of proud parents and their baby girl “Tash”. The picture and questions I have had all my life has, in this moment, all been answered.

Meeting Bruce for the first time was important to me as I needed to meet the man Tash calls ‘DAD’ the most important ½ of my decision to adopt was because she didn’t have a father figure if I was to raise her. It was important to me that she was raised by both a mother and father. What wonderful people to invite us into their home and have us feel like family. I need to keep myself together or I will cry all week. I am proud of the person Tash has become and I’m very thankful that God guided her into Bruce and Sandra’s arms. I know now  that  I was meant to have this baby for Bruce and Sandra as they are very special and loving people.  Another thing that is so special is that I find a lot of Sandra’s qualities in myself. We have found many similarities in ourselves aside from Tash and me. Well I have had about 2 hours of broken sleep and Tash has already taken me out and about to meet some special people in her life. 1st I rang Nat. To come over for a coffee and tricked her that I was Tash. Tash and Sandra took me on a Tour of Dubbo then Tash took me around town. We went and gave a surprise visit on Nat & Alison after they had a mad night at the Commercial Hotel. We had a fun visit. I learnt more about Tash’s secrets HA HA. Then we went out to visit Donna her music teacher. What a lovely lady. I tried to con Tash to play the Organ for me but to no avail. By this time it was around 3pm. I just can’t go on any longer. I’m exhausted. We go home for me to have a sleep. I do–snore. I wake up and Sandra and Jason have made us dinner. We are all off for an early night sleep……

My first Trip to Dubbo NSW 17.6.1999 Diary entries….

Thurs 17.6.1999

Well  we arrive at the Bus Depot  Safe and sound. Dad dropped  Ayrlie (age 6), Liam (age 3) and Me at the lift and I’m now by myself with the kids on an adventure.

We arrive at 6pm to depart at 6.30pm well you guessed it, the bus was late. 1 Hour. Wasn’t that fun amusing the kids for 1Hr in Roma St. Brisbane. Well the excitement has set in and we are boarding the bus. What is ahead – Who knows. Well lucky for us the kids had a seat to themselves and no one next to me. YEAH!!!! We leave at 7.30pm off for Toowoomba then down to Dubbo. The kids fall asleep before the 1st stop. each having a seat to themselves. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. Part of me worrying about the kids the other wondering how Dubbo will turn out.

Liam woke up around 2am. I took him to the toilet, put on a pull up and back to our seat. We went inside at the next stop for a drink and run around. We board the bus again and Liam spends some time looking out at the stars. I was telling him about the milky way and his reply was “Where is the chocolate mummy?” Ha! Ha! Liam finally sleeps. I stay awake thinking about being with Peter again (He was working in Sydney as there was now work in Brisbane). I can’t wait. I am constantly looking out at the stars. I have never seen so many before. The stars shine right down to the horizon. Then i spot the consolation- scorpions tail, then for the 1st time ever,  see the scorpion in its entirety WOW.

It’s about 5.30am and Ayrlie wakes up. We sit in the front seat together and watch out for Dubbo. On our trip I spoke to 3 people about my Natasha story. I still have had not one negative response. You know nearly everyone I talk to knows of someone who is either adopted or an adoptee. Well we are rolling down the freeway and bang there is a row of 1 million lights. Both Ayrlie and I mouths drop. WOW look at all those lights. Here we are  in the middle of nowhere – Out in the west and there is this  huge city in front of me. All the tourist info on Dubbo i ready says Population 34,000. Yeah right, more like 60,000. I cannot believe the size of this place. Ayrlie says “Look at all those lights in a straight line mummy!” We were in shock. We arrive at Dubbo Bus Depot where Sandra and Tash pick us up at 6.30am and then take us to the home that Natasha was raised in ………

I have a brother and Sister?

I asked the question the first call I made to you if you had children. I remember that my heart pounded with excitement.. Wondering if they look like me or personality like mine.

Growing up as an only child has its positives and negatives. Growing up with siblings also can have positive and negatives.  Pretty much in the family circle I grew up with all my aunties and uncles had more than one child. Our Christmas gathering or family BBQ’s were insane. Think this way, Mum had 6 sisters and 2 brothers. Dad had 11 bothers and 2 sisters. So they all had kids and in time grand kids.

No we didn’t all get together, in fact our family has a lot of mysterious stories and neither side communicated or even some of the Aunty and uncles didn’t talk to each other.. Crazy.. I could actually write a WHOLE blog site based on the bullshit of the family stories. But Who cares right?

My best friend at School was an only child. I suppose that’s why we got on soo well. We shared in soo many things. She was the only persons house I felt comfortable browsing pictures on the wall or albums.  My whole life growing up as said previously I had an awesome mum and Dad but not that picture where you can see the resemblance.

I didn’t have that somebody to fight with when I had the cranky pants on, or hand down my old clothes. I didn’t have that older sibling that could guide me or give me advice on mistakes they made to pass on that advice to me. I never had that sibling to do my hair our put make up on me. I wished I had that sibling to come pick me up in mum’s car when I’m walking home from the pub or the boyfriend’s house at the time. Mum and Dad did an awesome job of filling the gaps but it wasn’t the same. Mum and Dad were also a bit naive about the late 19th Century re street wise, Drugs, technology, education. My mum and dad never adopted again. They felt they got their chance so why take that away from other waiting families.

Yes you have a 5 year old Sister Ayrlie and a 3 year old brother Liam, Viv said. (Just so you readers know I am crying now writing this) I can remember my brain going 100 miles per hour. I wanted to meet them. It took me forever to remember Ayrlies name or even how to spell it. It was at that point I had people to protect. I had siblings to teach bad things to.. hahahaha..no serious to help grow and to be there as they get older. I was the BIG SISTER. Omg say it again.. IM A BIG SISTER!!

How to I introduce myself to a 5 year and a 3 year old. I never forget the day I met you both.

Ayrlie you attached yourself to me straight away and I couldn’t SHUT YOU UP.. hahhaha. You had the most beautiful blue eyes. The same as mine. Vibrant blue with the dark blue ring around the edges. You had the longest curliest hair and you wore a shirt and long skirt with Sandals. You hated skirts. You hated your hair, anyone brushing your hair or touching your hair, but you loved everything in your room. I got a complete guided tour of everything you had. The whole time you sat next to me, ate next to me and just kept flapping that beautiful mouth of yours.. I had that instant connection with you. You would become mine..  in fact I remember that night when you had a bath I was allowed to brush your hair and not once did you complain.

Liam, you had the smallest cutest face a mother could ask for. Large brown eyes and you NEVER spoke. You just looked at me. You were tiny. Liam you were so unsure of who I was but you where still happy to give me a cuddle or come with me if I asked you. When I did finally get you to talk you had the most gorgeous lisp and I think maybe you stuttered a little.

Funny enough some people couldn’t understand you but I don’t ever remember being like that. You used to follow me or just sit there and stare at me. Never spoke but just happy to watch and try and work it all out in your head. You know what, you still do that today.

Again I was connected to you instantly. You also showed me your favourite toys and things you like in the house but without words.. weird I know. But I knew exactly what you where saying to me with your eyes.

The last 12 years has bought me soo much joy to see the things you guys achieved in doing and I have loved every minute I get to spend with you. Even if you do become annoying hahaha..

I have been there to support your mum when she is frustrated with you both or unsure on what to do with you in some cases. I hope to think that the personal one on one talks, laughs and arguments that we share together is something you appreciate with me and I hope that you will always feel like you can always depend on me. I find it really hard to say no to you pair.. I really do. Something I can’t explain. I am soo proud of where you are now and what you’re achieving. You both are very different characters but I love you both the same.  You make me proud to be a big sister. I love you.  xoxox

Written by Natasha Rose 09/12/2011

Diary Journal 9/11/1998 The Day we Met.

Natasha found this journal entry i had made on the day we meet for the very first time in Queens Park, Ipswich Qld.

Mon 9-11-98

Well this morning my mind, feelings and emotions have frozen. I don’t know what to think. It’s 5.30am in the morning and I’m ready to meet Natasha this very instant. I need to wait until at least 8am before I can call her in Toowoomba. I realize she had a huge drive, late night and needs some sleep. Well the kids are awake, peters getting ready for work and he agrees that he is ready to meet Natasha at our home after he comes home from work. Music to my ears. I couldn’t believe it. Well the morning shift getting the kids ready went faster than any day. We were all ready to leave and it was 7.45am. on a normal school day we are pushing to get out of the door at 8.10 – 8.20am. Just my luck. 15 more minutes to wait before i call Toowoomba. We still haven’t confirmed the name of the park that we are meeting at in Ipswich. I know its Queens Park on Brisbane Rd, I’m not sure Tash knows its this park. Anyway off to school as usual. I drop Ayrlie and Zac off, then Liam. I’m so nervous. I go buy a Diet Coke at 8.30am. I get in my car. Destination IPSWICH to meet my daughter that haven’t seen in 18 years. I have talked to Natasha for hours and hours the past month. We have swapped photos and Natasha slipped in a video the week before we actually get to meet and touch each other. The last month at home has been “HELL”. Peter and I had to work out this whole situation. He was totally shocked, hurt and confused when I told him I have a 18 year old daughter and that nobody else had known about not even him. Take in mind Peter and I have been together for 13 years of those 18!!!!!! I prayed and i never lost faith that peter would understand the decisions I made. Our love for each other is unconditional. In fact Natasha – You have brought us closer together. All these thoughts are going through my mind while i am driving to Ipswich. I swear I was driving 120kph. I couldn’t get their quick enough.

Bingo – I’m shaking and I start to laugh and cry all at the same time. I tried to stop myself from blubbering because i want to hold myself together for when we meet. Well I’m now on Brisbane Rd., turn the corner and I’m at the Park. Looking frantically for Natasha in Blue pants and white top. I can’t see her. I park under a shady Jacaranda tree and fumble out of my car. God – I think, Will she like what she sees? Will she like the person I am? Will she be disappointed? Will she hit me, abuse me? All these crazy thoughts. I still can’t see her.

I walk around the park. NO TASH. I then wonder if i have the correct park. I walk up to the canteen to ask if this was Queens Park. The lady smiles and says “YES”. PHEWW!!! I would have died if i had the wrong park. It was 9.10am still NO TASH. I sit on the park bench sussing out every single car that drives past. I forgot what type of car Tash said she would be in. We had arranged to meet on Brisbane Rd side of the park. She was coming from Toowoomba and it looked tricky to cross the main road from that direction to get to the park.

I thought to myself. They have missed the park. They are probably heading for Brisbane. I was going to wait until 9.30am then find a phone and call Tash’s mobile. I have to PEE. I go to the LOO. Race back out. Still NO TASH. I sit at the table and notice a silver car with tinted windows and NSW number plates. I FEEL SICK.

I notice Jason gets out for a stretch then goes back into the car. Minutes which seems like hours later no-one gets out of the car! I know its them, I think to myself – Natasha can’t do it – She doesn’t want

to get out of the car. I want to run down to the car and meet everyone at once. Then I remember the councillor at Jigsaw advised me to see only Tash at 1st on natural grounds then meet others later. So I can’t sit still. I stand to walk and see that number plates are from NSW – They are. I watch from the distance, Natasha and her mum get out of the car. I was so nervous i hid behind the toilet block as i could see Natasha and Sandra hugging each other with support. I walk around toilet block to see Jason drive Sandra off in the car and this beautiful looking girl, my height and stature walking towards me. I wanted to run down the bank and roll in the grass, hug, kiss and be silly. I wanted to just look at her. At this stage I’m not feeling anything. I have a smile from ear to ear. My heart is pounding. My palms sweating! We come together and embrace. All my dreams come true from that second on.

Regardless what was to follow. The daughter I had to adopt was in my arms. I could feel her skin, smell her being, touch her, talk to her. MY GOD – I thank you for bringing her into my life! I can’t explain what it meant when we just looked into each other’s eyes. I know we are complete strangers yet i felt some sort of innate connection EVERY time i look into your eyes. You are beautiful. I feel so proud of you. I’m bursting. I just want to hold you and never let you go. I still haven’t found any works to describe exactly what it is that I’m experiencing.

We decide to go to the canteen have a cuppa and compare fingers and toes. Well we had a great Ol chat and look and chat and stare and cry and chat and look and stare…… What – A – Day!!! I’m now bursting to meet Sandra. I want to just hold Natasha’s head in both hands, run my fingers in her hair and kiss her face all over. I have a silly cold sore from nervous tension which prevents me to do this. I will get another chance I hope.

The morning is kind of a blurr. Natasha jumps in my car. Off we drive. How strange. Just like that. Off we go to window shop in Ipswich. So I get an idea what Natasha likes and dislikes. We both like gold, we have similar tastes in clothes, Different taste in smelling things, soaps, perfumes tec. We walk into a bra and undies shop looking for a bargain. Don’t ask me why but i just blurted out that Natasha was my daughter. Well the sales lady just looked at us, her mouth hit the floor. She looked at me and said. Your too you. She looked at Tash and said you’re too mature. We just looked at each other and laughed. Well time clicked over soon enough for us to mozzie back to the park to meet Sandra and Jason. Tash and i arrived back at 12pm. Jason turned up without Sandra OOHHH! Then up pulls a cab with Sandra running out the door with a beautiful bunch of flowers “Roses” Red Roses for ME. Well i just fell in love with Sandra that very second. She is everything I prayed my daughter would have in her life. Bruce our time will come to meet each other. I know you where there in spirit. All i could do was hug and thank Sandra for being the person that she is. I hugged and cried but at the same time felt at peace in Sandra’s arms. What a beautiful lady she is. Natasha was blessed to have Sandra and Bruce as parents. Sandra is everything i could not have been for Natasha. Natasha is who she is because of the love, support and guidance that Bruce and Sandra have given her. I’m not jealous but proud that “I DID” do a good thing for everyone. Off we went to lunch at the Centenary Tavern.

We sat, looked, touched, stared, cried at each other. Sandra showed me information that she kept over the years all on Natasha. Even the bracelet  that mum bought for her when she was born. 18 years old and still shinny gold the same when we bought it. WOW!!! What a rush. Well time still ticking we decided to part ways. Jason has to take Sandra to Caboolture. I’ll take Tash to meet her

Brother and Sister. We go to school to pick up Ayrlie then to Day care to pick up Liam. I instantly feel comfortable having Natasha by my side. It has helped by talking to her hours and hours the last month. We have done allot of ground work.

Here I am with a grin like a Cheshire cat with MY 3 CHILDREN with ME in the car. Pinch me I’m dreaming. We are now off for a quick stop. OOPS i forgot to mention i took Natasha to meet my best friend in the whole wide world Beverley. Then we went to school to pick up the kids. Now we are off for a quick stop to meet my mum and dad. (Nanna and Poppy). Then most of all to meet Peter. I rang from mums and he was giving a shower and shave. This was a good sign, we stayed a little longer then for the big intro and welcome to our home. I’m driving up our driveway and I’m excited and nervous how Peter is going to be. Well we enter and peter is sitting outside. He comes in and I introduce him to my daughter Natasha. They shake hands and look at each other. Then Ayrlie swoops Natasha into her room to show her some things. Peter turns to me and says that she “Natasha” looks like me. I just smile from ear to ear. How proud I am of peter. I love him unconditionally.

More excitement is coming for Natasha because she is going to meet her Birth Dad tonight as well. So she arranges to meet him in a coffee shop close by. Jason isn’t back yet,  so i take her up there and introduce her to him. I’ve never seen anyone so nervous. Well I arrange to come back in ½ – 1hr. I’m off to weight watchers. I have Ayrlie with me. We meet Valetta. I ask if she would like to meet my daughter. Well Letty’s mouth nearly hit the floor. She went all flustered. Let followed me to the coffee shop where we were to pick up Tash. They were deep in conversation. We joined them for a minute then Let and i went to our cars to wait for Tash to say Goodbye. It was great to see him interested and accepting Natasha as his. What a lucky girl to meet her birth mother and father all in the one day.

Natasha you must be mentally exhausted. Well back home we go. I go and get drinks and KFC. We spent most of the night just looking and smiling at each other. It was great having Valetta there with me. She is such a great friend. Peter, Jason, Natasha and I sat up until 2.30am talking. Jason was rolling on the floor laughing he was having such a great time comparing Tash and I with Peter.

It really is amazing how much alike Tash and I are. To think i have had NO influence in her life what so ever the past 18 years yet our aneurisms, personality, facial expressions are so alike. SOMEONE PINCH ME I’m dreaming. I can’t explain Natasha the connection i feel to you when you look into my eyes. I will never forget my feelings.

I ache with pain yet I’m overfilled with joy and happiness to actually sit beside you, feel your breath, touch your skin, pat your hair, look into your eyes. I bonded to you instantly. Natasha – I will always love you. Now when I think of you I have a real person to relate to.

THANK YOU FOR BEING IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

New born babies – Why can’t i hold them????

My beautifl niece who was our flower girl at our wedding, gave
birth this week to a beautiful baby girl and i struggle to go visit in fear
that i will be expected to hold her. After giving Natasha up for adoption i was
never close to babies ever. I was never around them until i met and fell in love
with Peter. He had 16 nieces and nephews at the time and boy have they increased
since then. I think now we are onto second cousins etc…

Well i usually wait until babies are at least 3 months old
before i go and visit. Why you might ask? Well every time i look at a new born
i flash back to the day i had to say goodbye to my baby. That moment is burnt
into my brain and i struggle to move past it. I am overcome with past emotions
and feelings even for a few moments that just make my stomach ache, then i have
to compose myself and remember to act as if all is under control and normal.
The easiest way for me to cope is to not see them. It is just a natural
instinct for the new mum to say here have a hold. When deep down inside i am
shitting myself and i have to say “O no thanks I’m good” only to get a funny
look in return so it’s just better to just not visit them.

When  Natasha gave  birth to Chloe Rose in NSW my parents went down to see her, but i couldn’t get
the courage to drive down and see her. It was just all too much. How could i
stand there and celebrate the birth of this beautiful baby girl, my granddaughter
when in fact i had given her mother away as a baby. It just does my head in.

Peter got on his bike this morning to ride up to Bribie Island to see our Flower Girls new baby and i am still left crying my heart out
cause i just want to be able to hold something so precious without feeling so
guilty.

Last year our other Niece had a beautiful baby girl and i
turned up to a family football tournament and got caught out in front of the
family as she threw her baby into my arms innocently and said here can you hold
her for a second. Well i just about spewed on the spot. I had to sit
immediately and then the tears staring rolling down my face as i just sat
looking at how beautiful she was and so innocent with no knowledge of her
future. I was frozen. Everyone was asking me why i was crying. I couldn’t talk
just said that i don’t know and that i am stupid and i need to stop crying. I
nursed her to sleep i was so proud of myself that day but today i just couldn’t
do it.

Peter asked me this morning how did i feel when Ayrlie and
Liam were born?  i replied. ” I never let them go. No one was taking them away from
me. I just never let them go.”

Please family it’s not that i don’t like little babies, it’s
quite the opposite I love them too much…..

Butterflies

Life with Peter was fun when we were younger. We had a great group of friends who we would party with every week end. We would change whose house we would party at to make it more fun. Believe me. I partied hard. I guess I told myself that I didn’t give up a baby to not have fun and that’s exactly what i did.

I decided to attend a seminar called Insight. I was introduced to this by some chiropractic piers. It was Neuro-linguistic Programming or NLP to the extreme. Well i was around 23 i think and found myself standing in a room with a microphone to my chin confessing to all in the room of around 100 people that i had had a baby, given her up for adoption and not able to talk about it. Tears are streaming down my face but the overwhelming feeling of release was indescribable. I remember my buddy for that exercise looked me straight in the eyes and said to me. “That’s OK.” “You did a good thing” I felt this was right. All the decisions i was making up until now was because of what i was suppressing. In my lunch break i found myself sitting in the Botanical Gardens (Brisbane City) sitting on the grass looking out at the yachts moored in the river and crying, no sobbing my heart out. I had never cried and sobbed like that up until now. Then all of a sudden from nowhere comes a beautiful butterfly and lands on my head. I feel myself calming down and that this butterfly was actually on my head sunning its wings. Of all places it’s on me. Now this wasn’t a small, tiny butterfly i guess its wing span was roughly 2 inches. You know the black butterflies with the pretty coloured, i think orange spots on it. It seemed as though it was sitting on me for ages. As soon as i stopped crying and calmed down it flew away. That was a spiritual moment for me. At that moment i decided that i had to let go of Sheree and move on. I was going to give myself cancer and be very unhappy if i didn’t deal with life for what i have been dealt and move on. That is exactly what i did.

My reunion with Natasha in the beginning,  i was working in Forest Lake Shopping Centre on a Craft display and was drawn to see a clairvoyant that was sitting in front of the coffee shop. I sat quiet and not saying much as she delivered a really good reading. This lady is good!. Then at the very end of my reading she looked straight into my eyes and said “So, how are the butterflies?” I burst into tears and couldn’t talk. She then said, “But now these are happy tears aren’t they?” I nodded yes, still crying. We ended the session and i had to walk around the car park to try and stop crying and pull myself together to get back on to my stall. Ever since the day in the Botanical Gardens no matter where i am in Australia or Overseas, butterflies tend to find me. They are my connection to NEW LIFE.

Before Natasha found me I got a tattoo of a butterfly  to remind me of my baby girl as I will never forget her and if we never reunite she will always be with me.

Butterflies to me, mean New Life, New beginning………

Happy Birthday Tash 11.10.2011

 

11th October 2011 – Natasha Rose turns 31 today.

To my beautiful daughter Natasha. Happy 31st Birthday Groover. Enjoy your first Queensland Birthday in the great Sunshine Coast. I look forward to having lunch and a swim with you, your brother and Sister. How good does that sound?  Bloody awesome i reckon. I’m going to just jump in my car and drive up to see you and it will only take me 1 ½ hours not 2 days. Somebody pinch me!!!!!!!

OK – Just so you know. Natasha doesn’t do birthday cards. She doesn’t like to celebrate birthdays. So she tells me. Although we did a good job at your 21st ha ha. No serious. We have never really talked about why but this is what i think- Do you think because i gave you up that there is nothing to celebrate. I often wonder why you wouldn’t want or care about a birthday. If that is why then i do totally understand. I would love for you to explain your thoughts.

For me – Your Birthdays. Mmmm this was a tough one. Every year after you were born i would say happy birthday to you  in my prayers. Funny thing was i could never remember if it was the 11/10 or 10/11. I would always have to stop and think about it and work it out. Funny how your brain looses memories when you are suppressing a  trauma.  I remember when i first said to you when is your birthday 10/11 or 11/10? you nearly ripped my head off. Are you kidding me you said? Then i had to explain why i asked. We have come a long way since then.

I remember once driving in the car with Mum and I bravely said to her. Mum its Sheree’s birthday today. She smiled and said “is it.” Then nothing else was said. Only about 1 or 2 years later, I got that phone call.

I have a new struggle now that you are in my life. Birthdays. How do i fit. You had a mother and father that gave you everything you needed, where do i fit in? Is my birthday card going to matter. Is my present even going to be wanted. Where do I fit? What can i possibly give you – I don’t even know you – But your my daughter- F— This, Where do I fit. I guess it is easier to sit back and blend in. For the first time in my life I’m not in control, I am stuck, I don’t know where i fit into your life. But I’m your mum, i should fit, but where???? This question is still in my head this very day. Natasha and I deliberately miss each other’s birthdays. Belated is where we fit. Although this year, 2011 i get a present and a card from Natasha on my birthday date.  I was so excited i cried. The best part is to come, she gives me a woolly sheep warning me that the country girl is coming to the city. I laughed my head off.

Happy Birthday Tash, I love you very much.

Love Mum #2