Mothers Day as a Birth Mum – May 2012

I  wasn’t Natasha’s mum. I really am “THE BIRTH MUM”. So  i have come to accept that after 13 years i am still finding my place.

As a Birth Mum this is another day that effects us. Mothers Day. Every year after Tash was born i would say quietly to myself. “Happy Mother’s Day Viv”. I wonder what she is giving her mum today. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if she is happy.

For the children whom are adopted and wonder if your mothers ever think of you. I can guarantee that they do every time it is Easter, Mothers Day, Your Birthday, Our birthday and Christmas just to name the times we are literally forced to think of you, not to mention the times we bump into a child your age at that time and are left wondering, or when we are at a shopping centre and see other mothers with children about the same age you would be at that moment or when visiting friends and family that have had children that would now be your age. So many times, so many times.

Most times it will be silent thoughts, non spoken but deep and true thoughts. If you have never contacted your birth mum and i know you stop and think and ask yourself “Does she ever even think or care about me? I believe in my heart, 99% honestly do. It’s how we deal with it as individuals is when you get a different result.

I know there are Birth Mums that do not want to have contact with the adopted Child. I believe it is not that she doesn’t care about you, but that the Birth Mother has been so hurt from loosing you that to be a part of your life can be just as painful because we are forced to face all those emotions all over again. IT IS NOT PRETTY I CAN TELL YOU.

Why is it, that the Birth Mother is always the afterthought? A singlemother in my generation was frowned upon, bought shame, a fluzy, a slut. Hang on a minute. Aren’t we the ones that have done one of the most wonderful things that a human being can do. GIVE UP OUR BABY to someone else just so they can have a better life. Just because society forces us to. So i ask you, why were we to be punished?

Mothers Day – God bless all those women and young girls who have given birth, and to the Birth Mothers who have  given up their babies to enrich other peoples lives so they can be blessed and have a lifetime of mothers days and also God bless those mothers who have had to deal with infant death.

Mothers Day is a happy celebration for most but spare a thought for those with much silent sadness.

Mothers Day – Happy Mothers Day.

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Canberra/Batesmans Bay 25-26 June 1999

Fri 25.6.1999

CANBERRA/BATEMANS BAY

2am Bruce takes Peter to the bus stop. It feels really strange saying goodbye to him again. It is true that distance makes the heart grow stronger. I go back home but can’t go back to sleep. As today we head off for Canberra and then Batemans Bay. Man have we done some miles. Who would ever think soon we would be standing in Canberra. It’s only 4-5 hour drive. Soon we are packed and ready to go. All the kids are in Tashs car ha! ha!. We stopped at Cowra half way to swap driving. Liam came with us. Sleep time – You beauty. Tash gets out and starts screaming CHIM CHIMINEY grrrr (ha ha)

Well we arrive in Canberra in time for some lunch. We stop at a cafe on the river with the huge water spray fall. We then move onto Parliament House – VERRYYY IMPRESSIVE. The entire foyer is made from marble. I would love to spend some time here without the kids. There is a lot of history, information, theatre rooms that you can sit in. Also a guided tour around the house that would be interesting. However the trip was worth it as the Green Room was in session. So we got to go in and see how things happen and I saw a few common faces. They were discussing GST. More like debating the GST – Sandra and I could have sat there all day however we had the kids with us. The security we had to go through just to get in and out was alarming. I guess you can justify it in a way. Well we are finished in Canberra and set off for Batemans Bay. I can’t wait to see what Natasha’s place looks like. After 3 hours of driving through beautiful countryside and ranges we arrive in Batemans Bay. What a beautiful place Tash has.

Open, modern, lovely furniture and a view to die for. Overloooking the complete bay without a tree in sight. The dolphins swim in front of us morning and afternoon and the birds are wonderful. Sandra bought them a book of birds so when we spot one we can look it up and tick it off in the book. Mind you we showed more interest in the book than Tash and Jason. Well it’s getting late and Jason cooks up Spag Bog. Ayrlie won’t eat it only plain pasta, only likes Daddy’s pasta. We set up our beds and hit the sack. It’s been a long day. I’m exhausted.

SAT 26.6.1999

Murrumarang Resort – Batemans Bay NSW Australia

Well last night it poured rain. I left Ayrlies stinky shoes outside and they got sagged. We need to go into Batmans Bay to do some food shopping and Ayrlie had to wear a pair of Natasha’s Shoes so I could take her to buy her some new shoes. The kids are driving me nuts so I separate Cody (Jason’s son) for a while. Liam and Ayrlie are really going troppo. The excitement of travel and going away is driving them fruity. We go home and unpack our shopping then have some lunch and then jump back into the cars for a driving tour. We go to a couple of wonderful look outs then to the “Far away Tree” Ayrlie loved it. These trees were amazing. There is a Tarzan swing inside for kids to swing on. Ayrlie loved it she made Tarzan sounds as she swung around. You could tell her adrenalin was racing. We look at some amazing houses and property and new estates going up. This little town reminds me of how Pottsville (NSW) was in the 1980’s. Home we go and we decide on Pizza, Garlic Bread and Diet Coke. DELISH – YUM YUM. This is the 1st takeaway dinner we have bought all trip. Man was that Pizza good. Liam even ate around 3 pieces.

OOPS! I forgot the resort Tash worked at. The kangaroos around her are roaming the streets like cats and dogs. They hop around the neighbourhood in and out of yards. The kids can go up and pat and feed them. It really is incredible. I have never seen anything like it before. Peter would love it here. I can’t wait to share Batemans Bay with him. It’s only 2hrs from Sydney. Tash and Jason have told him to come down for a weekend. I think I should push him to do it. Great fishing in Batemans Bay too. I watched boats go out and in constantly during our stay. Well tomorrow Sandra is driving me and the kids to Nowra to meet her sister Margaret and her daughter Cathy whom she adopted. I wish Tash would come. I guess we are all tired of travelling. But stil, I wished she would come. I should have asked her myself. Never mind.

Until then – GOOD NIGHT.

Dubbo City 22.6.1999

Tues 22.6.1999

Well Peter, I and the kids are spending a day together in Dubbo City, we pay a few bills and Peter spots the Heart Disease van and promises me to have the tests done. Well 20min later the nurse is instructing me to take him straight to hospital as she is worried about his results. Well we drop the kids off to Tash and Jason and off to hospital we go. Peter has some blood tests done and a cardiograph. Then off for some x-rays to check the size of his heart. I have to pull myself together and stop myself from crying. I can see peter is a little anxious. Then they tell us they want him to stay in overnight OH MY GOD – Peter has never stayed in a hospital before and here he is in Dubbo Base Hospital as a in patient. Peter is supposed to leave for Sydney tonight but not now. I have to ring to get him an open ticket back. Well did our day change. I go home to have a roast dinner with the Sense Family and then take the kids up to see Daddy. Back home we go. It feels really strange leaving peter behind laying in hospital. Well they want to do further blood tests and a stress test in the morning. It is lucky that Peter is in a country hospital he got good food and treatment.

SWEET DREAMS

Wed. 23.6.1999

Peter rings us at 9.30am is allowed to come home. We go up there and the sister won’t release him as they are waiting on results. Back home I go then at 11am Peter rings – says he can come home, up we go again to pick him up. This time the Dr. Won’t let him go, said another ½ hour. I have to go back home as Sandra is taking me to Denis’s home for lunch today. So off I go again and arrange for Tash and Jason to pick him up at 12pm. What a beautiful home Denise has. Magnificent. Well Denise has made a beautiful Tuna quesh and salad. Served in a beautiful dinning room with the best china and silver. I felt like royalty. We had a lot in common as Denise is a massage therapist and is studying cranial, sacral technique. She is also a very spiritual person. After a beautiful lunch we mozzy out into her massage room. A set up to die for. With an electric bed, desk, change area – Just perfect. Denise hopes to change her magnificent home into a B & B. I pray her dreams come true. Meanwhile at 1.30pm Peter calls. He is still in hospital. By this time he is jacked off. So he walks out. Just discharges himself. When Sandra and I get home peter was home. But needs to follow up tests when back in Brisbane. PHEW

Thurs 24.6.1999

Yeah, Peter is still in town but will leave tonight at 2am. Tash took me up to her school – Dubbo Christian School and showed me around. Wow what a big school. Excellent hall. Tash introduces me as her birth mum to her teachers and headmaster Mr. Sheerman.  I was proud as we walked around meeting people. We head back home and Sandra whips me away to meet Cathy. Peter just looks at me and says now where are you going? I answer Darling “you’re enjoying quality time with your children” then off i go again. Cathy  owns a lovely house in Dubbo, we chat all about our reunion. It is strange as everyone here in Dubbo new Tash was adopted and wanted to meet her birth mother so I was the person everyone wanted to meet. I ponder if i am at all anything they imaged me to look or be like. Natasha says she had no image of what i would be like. I guess i can say the same. There are too many questions you ask yourself to come up with and answer to have any images. Well we are off back home again. Tomorrow we set off to Canberra and Batemans Bay……

You are the Light – Our 21st Wedding Anniversary 16th March 2012

Well today we celebrate 21 years of marraige. It has been a journey and a half. When we took our vows we took them seriously. For better and for worse. Richer or Poorer. We also promised each other that we would grow old together, forever. When Natasha entered our lives these vows were truely put to the test.

Alot of people don’t really listen to those vows and don’t really hear what the words mean, however we did. We worked through this huge challenge and i am very proud to say that we have been together for 26 eventfuly years.

The wedding song i chose was You Are The Light (of my dark world) by Lone Justice was a  song that had a deep meaning for me as you were truly a light in my dark world that i kept a secret. Thankyou with my heart for standing my me Peter i truly love you.

Here’s to many more!!!!!!!!

 

YOU ARE THE LIGHT

You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
Oh how you shine in my time of darkness

Oh how you shine when everything seems hopeless

You know how to help me when I can’t stand on my own

Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
Oh how you shine in my time of indecision

Oh how you shine, gonna give this girl some vision

You know how to let go when I can’t stand on my own Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
You know how to let go when I can’t stand on my own Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
You are the light in my dark world You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world

– Lone Justice

Western Plains Zoo – Dubbo NSW 21-6-1999

Mon 21-6-1999

Western Plains Zoo.

Up and at it again today. We are off to the famous Western plains Zoo. Ayrlie and Liam have never been to a Zoo before and I am looking forward to sharing their excitement when seeing an elephant, giraffe, tiger etc for the very 1st time. I expect the zoo to be similar to Melbourne Zoo. Sandra has packed a picnic lunch for us all. Off we go – WOW what a Zoo

Nothing like Melbourne  – More like a Safari with all outdoor animals. Tash said she wanted to drive around – I think she is just lazy. Boy wasn’t  I wrong – Man am i glad we are driving around. This place is HUGE. You really feel like your on a safari. The kids are loving it. Liam gets excited over the Zebra’s. We move on and ½ way stop for lunch in a lovely park watching the monkeys. After gauging ourselves silly we are to lazy to continue, off we go to complete the track. We venture into the Koala park, we are eye to eye with a mother and her baby – I didn’t know that mother Koalas had a pouch for their babies. The baby went snuggling inside and disappeared. Off we go to the souvenere shop to buy the kids a treat. We return back home exhausted. Peter and I book a motel for the night HUBBA!  HUBBA! The kids stay with us and are excited as this is their 1st time they have stayed in a hotel. They played in the shower, layed around in the beds and watched T.V. We bought some groceries for Brekky. What a great night sleep in the Queen Size Bed – Warm and snug. Well Peter is to leave Tuesday night so we make the most of our time together. I’m sure Sandra and Bruce neded to have a break from us as well.

Good night

Dirty Blood – A story from Natasha

Dirty Blood

Children come in to this world by no choice but by the mother that carries them.

For me I came into this world with no understanding of why was I a child of adoption.

Did I do something wrong?

Was I a mistake?

The only book I clung onto as kid that explained these answer was a book Called ‘Why was I adopted?’ by Carole Livingstone

 

Living life as an adopted child wasn’t easy. Yes I did have amazing parents and was given everything that my parents could give, underneath there were some sad and emotional times that I had no answer for.

 

I grew up in a family where Adoption was accepted by most of the family. I guess my only angers lies with my mum’s parents. My dad’s parents had already passed long before I came into this world.

 

My Mums mother Margaret. I never had so much dislike for a Human. It started when I was little and eventually grew into something I can’t explain.

‘Don’t put your hand in the biscuit jar’.. She would say to me in this most annoying loud galah voice.

‘Don’t sit or touch anything’,..why is your Daughter so ungrateful’? I could go on and on.

These are some of thing I would here from the women that was suppose to me my grandmother. The one person I thought my mum could rely on and have support from especially when she couldn’t  have children. Oh no not this women, Margaret was a unit on her own. Selfish, cold hearted and just not a nice lady.

I HATED her.. I remember at the age of 10 I would hang in the park across the road from her flat as I didn’t want to go near her. I actually have a memory of my Dad and I carving into a large tree trunk with his pocket knife our initials and a Love heart around it. Still to this day 20 years on that tree still stands and has aged still baring our days in that park.

 

Most grand kids hung with their Nan and pop doing amazing things like cooking and sleep over’s, not me.. the moment mum said were going to Parks (where she lived) I would carry on like a bitch. I hated going there, I hated the smell of her, I hated hearing her voice.

Even thinking about her now I have so much anger and frustration.

I was Dirty blood.

 

I remember one Christmas age about 10, she was handing out her gifts to the grand children, mind you I think at the time there was like 12 of us and I remember saying..”I don’t want your gift this year Margaret, I have enough hankies’.

This is pretty much what I received every year off her while I watched other grandchildren received awesome gifts. Anyway you can imagine the response.  It was hard at that age watching my cousins get Barbies and all sorts of things while Soap and hankies was my gift year after year after year.

Yes there was a grandfather. Frank was his name. He never spoke to me or did anything. I guess he was so over ruled by this woman he just did as he was told. Not much to tell really but at the age of 80 something he died.

 

My mum did everything she could to try to ignore what was going on as a child. Mum eventually supported my frustration and stopped forcing me to go and visit Margaret and Frank. Mum never questioned my dislike and never forced any contact with them through my later years.

Mum knew..

 

I can’t imagine what that must have been like for mum. How can you cherish an adoption opportunity and have it totally rejected by her own parents. All the emotions that mum buried inside her for all those years. Surely there must have been something burning inside her to tell them off.

Nope.. she’s the peace keeper in the family.

In the same family there were other adopted cousins in the family that was also treated like Dirty blood. Still to this day we laugh about it and just shake our heads to that strange woman.

 

Margaret and Frank where never invited to our wedding nor welcome in my house. I just could not bring myself to let her in my home. I could honestly count on my hands the amount of times I actually said hello to her. Mind you sometimes I ran into her and didn’t say anything at all.

 

 

Over the years I never spoke to her. Barely said Hello and I never visited her. She died in her 80’s and I didn’t even go to her Funeral.  At first I hated mum taking Chloe to visit her. Why should this woman have the privilege of watching my daughter blossom and have her talk to her like Clean blood. Not sure why I let her I guess it was more for my mum’s sake.

I guess it was a weird feeling knowing my mum ached inside as she watched both her Father and mother eventually die of Cancer and whatever Margaret Died of..

I was there for mum and I always asked the question of how she was feeling, NOT how was your mother or father. I didn’t care.

The times when mum was told that her parent had passed was hard for her. I comforted her and hugged her close just because I know what it’s like to lose a parent. Inside of me was a very bad soul saying .. Thank GOD he finally took them.

As I said before there is more about mums parents that isn’t for this Blog.

 

School yard bully was slight for me. I was a sporty, outgoing popular kid at school. I was never bullied in high school. For those of you that knew me I would of smacked your face in at the time..

Hahaha I have slowed down now. However there were moments in School I do remember a particular teacher talking to the class about Adoption. Not even sure why..

But this teacher was adamant that you buy babies. So I was bought!.  How could you put a price on a baby? I never forget the day I got so angry at her and I threw a chair at her. When I was marched into the principal’s office he then explained to her that I was adopted and I am sure that Natasha would know about the processes for Australian law. That teacher was never the same again with me. I guess she too had a thing for Dirty Blood.

From that day, kids had something to throw at me. Taunts of: $1 sale, how much where you sold for?, Was it to pay for your mums white powder?, or her cab ride home from the pub where she met your dad, or to pay back her Doctor for birthing you, your mums so fat she could have babies that’s why she bought you, so on so on

This went on and on over 12 months. Yes it did hurt my feelings. Sometimes I cried in the toilets when I was alone or on my way home after I got off the bus. I never led on to my parents what the kids where saying at School. But they did know about me throwing the chair.

I loved my parents. I was born and raised to not look at the physical features of a person but the story that person holds on the inside.

Gosh we were only 13ish for god sake. How can these Kids really understand what they were saying? It was times like that I had anger for being a Child of Dirty Blood let’s call it. I really couldn’t answer them. What if really my mum did pay for me and she never told me. How much am I worth?

If my birth mother wanted me back what would my mum sell me for.. could this really happen?

 

Mum is it true???

As I still clung to my book ‘why was I adopted’ was my only refuge at that stage until I get my answers from my birth mother myself.

 

Adoption Lunch and BBQ to meet the Sense Family

Sun 20.6.1999

1am Peter arrives. At last a hug and a kiss in the flesh, YAHOO! Peter meets Bruce for the 1st time. Sandra has the kettle boiled when we came back. We go to bed and the kids wake up to sleep with Daddy. Oh well, maybe my turn tomorrow night. We all set off to the Castle  Hotel for lunch and adoption meeting. Around 16 people turned up. One lady and her family drove 4hrs to join and meet us. I found the meeting very therapeutic. I was sitting at a table with women who have done exactly what I have done. Imagine that. We could have talked all arvo but it was 3pm and Sandra had arranged a Family & Friends BBQ for 5:30pm so back home we go. Tash and Jasons friend Matt came over with his new Honda CBR 1000 motorbike. What luck I get to go for a ride. 200kph, wow what a blast! What a bike! Man did I get a memory rush. Well, Sandra and I rush off to Dubbo Base Hospital to pick up salads, cheesecake and apple pie. I also go for a grand tour and meet some of Sandra’s friends. Now we head back to Sandra’s for the BBQ.

Well around 25 adults turned up with a dozen kids. Bruce has enough meat to feed an army! Peter and I met a lot of wonderful people. The Sense crowd. Well just as I was about to delve into desert, Bruce jumps up to announce that Sandra had an announcement to make. All of a sudden I feel faint. I was so overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness and acceptance that my emotions just ran away with me. Sandra brought me to tears. Here she is thanking me, yet I should be thanking her and Bruce. I don’t exactly remember what my speech was about, all I know is I feel like the luckiest person in the world! I’m healthy, my husband loves me and I now have all my 3 children in my life. Words cannot explain how and why I am feeling. All I know is what Sandra feels is 100% mutual to how I feel. I am proud of the whole situation. Ayrlie and Liam have taken to Bruce, Sandra, Jason and Tash as if they have known them for years! Kids are usually a good judge of character. Well it’s been a huge night. Sandra presented me with a beautiful plaque, something I can take home to remember our reunion in Dubbo. I’m so happy that Peter and the kids were by my side and supported me as a family. I truly believe that our reunion was definitely meant to be. Well what a huge day! I’m Nacked! Off to bed I go after talking to everybody who came. Oh yeah, I will never forget the bond that I felt when looking into Tash’s eyes when telling everyone how proud I am of her and the Sense family. I love Tash as much as my own family, yet we have only met 3 times. Yes these feelings are real. I leave Peter, Bruce, Tash and Jason around the fire to tell a few more yarns. Well I’m sneaking off to bed. Maybe Peter and I will sleep together just like old times…smelling of beer and snoring. Haha.

 

Where does Tash fit in as a Gittens

Where Do I Fit as a Gittens?

Hard to believe what has happened in our journey so far. The meeting of Viv, understanding why she gave me up for adoption, meeting Peter and the kids. What about the rest of Vivs Family?

Word has already spread around for Viv with all her family that she has met me. It came to the day I met Noela and Ray (viv’s Mum and Dad). I will  never forget that day I came face to face with Noela and Ray. It was actually quiet confrontational. Knowing that they wanted Viv to keep me and bring me up them selves sat in the back of my mind. I had never spoken to them over the phone or even written them a letter in preparation.  All I know about these people is that when Viv gave me away they had to continue life as I had died.

I never had a Nan and Pop to talk to and to hug. Never had the opportunity to stay at Nan and Pops house and hang out. Never had that chance like Chloe had with her  Nan and Pop being picked up from School, going on Holidays or even just been taken to maccas to get that 50 cent Ice cream because it was soo Hot. That’s a part of my life I will never experience or have memories of.

Noela was so over whelmed and just wanted to hug me. We cried a lot as she looked into the eyes of a dead child. She had so much adrenalin going threw her I guess she couldn’t control it. All I remember her saying ‘your home, your home’. My heart pounded as I looked over to my mother who came with us this day. I don’t think Noela realised her actions and words this day. I remember her saying to my mum thank you for bringing her home and she is here to stay.

Ray passively came to hug me as well. Rays passiveness is my inner me. You just stared at me, almost white like. You didn’t speak much at all, just a slight tear behind your glasses and a small smile to your face. I honestly don’t remember you talking at all, just stared. How did you process me, that grandchild Viv handed over.

I didn’t really know what I took away from that day meeting them. It was really weird. Honestly I was scared. Could they really take me away from my mum, were they serious about packing my bags and forcing me back here? All these crazy emotions where going through my head. Still too this day I think back to that day as today Nola still hugs me they way she always did and Ray still stares and processes where does she fit. It makes me smile knowing I have a Nan and Pop and I look forward to getting to know you more.

Meeting the rest of the Gittens Family at a BBQ one of the days, I remember walking into the back yard with Viv and the kids. Everyone was already there chatting and having a good time. It was at that moment I walked in and everyone was quiet. Honestly at that point this was it. This was my time being a Gittens. Who are all these people? Where do I fit in this Family? Am I supposed to fit in this family? I remember seeing a mural on the wall of the ladies house. It was the female generations of the Gittens. I remember her showing me but then wanted to cover it up as it’s now not the real family.

Reality hit me fair in the face and I said ‘yes it is, I’m just here for answers not to change the Gittens Family’.

Tash

 

Fri 18.6.1999 – In Limbo

Fri 18.6.1999

Tash and Sandra take me into Dubbo to their home where Tash  grew up all her life at 11 Alfred St., Dubbo. What a wonderful, loving home she has.  A typical country house you can honestly call home. With plenty of home photos of proud parents and their baby girl “Tash”. The picture and questions I have had all my life has, in this moment, all been answered.

Meeting Bruce for the first time was important to me as I needed to meet the man Tash calls ‘DAD’ the most important ½ of my decision to adopt was because she didn’t have a father figure if I was to raise her. It was important to me that she was raised by both a mother and father. What wonderful people to invite us into their home and have us feel like family. I need to keep myself together or I will cry all week. I am proud of the person Tash has become and I’m very thankful that God guided her into Bruce and Sandra’s arms. I know now  that  I was meant to have this baby for Bruce and Sandra as they are very special and loving people.  Another thing that is so special is that I find a lot of Sandra’s qualities in myself. We have found many similarities in ourselves aside from Tash and me. Well I have had about 2 hours of broken sleep and Tash has already taken me out and about to meet some special people in her life. 1st I rang Nat. To come over for a coffee and tricked her that I was Tash. Tash and Sandra took me on a Tour of Dubbo then Tash took me around town. We went and gave a surprise visit on Nat & Alison after they had a mad night at the Commercial Hotel. We had a fun visit. I learnt more about Tash’s secrets HA HA. Then we went out to visit Donna her music teacher. What a lovely lady. I tried to con Tash to play the Organ for me but to no avail. By this time it was around 3pm. I just can’t go on any longer. I’m exhausted. We go home for me to have a sleep. I do–snore. I wake up and Sandra and Jason have made us dinner. We are all off for an early night sleep……

My first Trip to Dubbo NSW 17.6.1999 Diary entries….

Thurs 17.6.1999

Well  we arrive at the Bus Depot  Safe and sound. Dad dropped  Ayrlie (age 6), Liam (age 3) and Me at the lift and I’m now by myself with the kids on an adventure.

We arrive at 6pm to depart at 6.30pm well you guessed it, the bus was late. 1 Hour. Wasn’t that fun amusing the kids for 1Hr in Roma St. Brisbane. Well the excitement has set in and we are boarding the bus. What is ahead – Who knows. Well lucky for us the kids had a seat to themselves and no one next to me. YEAH!!!! We leave at 7.30pm off for Toowoomba then down to Dubbo. The kids fall asleep before the 1st stop. each having a seat to themselves. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. Part of me worrying about the kids the other wondering how Dubbo will turn out.

Liam woke up around 2am. I took him to the toilet, put on a pull up and back to our seat. We went inside at the next stop for a drink and run around. We board the bus again and Liam spends some time looking out at the stars. I was telling him about the milky way and his reply was “Where is the chocolate mummy?” Ha! Ha! Liam finally sleeps. I stay awake thinking about being with Peter again (He was working in Sydney as there was now work in Brisbane). I can’t wait. I am constantly looking out at the stars. I have never seen so many before. The stars shine right down to the horizon. Then i spot the consolation- scorpions tail, then for the 1st time ever,  see the scorpion in its entirety WOW.

It’s about 5.30am and Ayrlie wakes up. We sit in the front seat together and watch out for Dubbo. On our trip I spoke to 3 people about my Natasha story. I still have had not one negative response. You know nearly everyone I talk to knows of someone who is either adopted or an adoptee. Well we are rolling down the freeway and bang there is a row of 1 million lights. Both Ayrlie and I mouths drop. WOW look at all those lights. Here we are  in the middle of nowhere – Out in the west and there is this  huge city in front of me. All the tourist info on Dubbo i ready says Population 34,000. Yeah right, more like 60,000. I cannot believe the size of this place. Ayrlie says “Look at all those lights in a straight line mummy!” We were in shock. We arrive at Dubbo Bus Depot where Sandra and Tash pick us up at 6.30am and then take us to the home that Natasha was raised in ………