Mothers Day as a Birth Mum – May 2012

I  wasn’t Natasha’s mum. I really am “THE BIRTH MUM”. So  i have come to accept that after 13 years i am still finding my place.

As a Birth Mum this is another day that effects us. Mothers Day. Every year after Tash was born i would say quietly to myself. “Happy Mother’s Day Viv”. I wonder what she is giving her mum today. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if she is happy.

For the children whom are adopted and wonder if your mothers ever think of you. I can guarantee that they do every time it is Easter, Mothers Day, Your Birthday, Our birthday and Christmas just to name the times we are literally forced to think of you, not to mention the times we bump into a child your age at that time and are left wondering, or when we are at a shopping centre and see other mothers with children about the same age you would be at that moment or when visiting friends and family that have had children that would now be your age. So many times, so many times.

Most times it will be silent thoughts, non spoken but deep and true thoughts. If you have never contacted your birth mum and i know you stop and think and ask yourself “Does she ever even think or care about me? I believe in my heart, 99% honestly do. It’s how we deal with it as individuals is when you get a different result.

I know there are Birth Mums that do not want to have contact with the adopted Child. I believe it is not that she doesn’t care about you, but that the Birth Mother has been so hurt from loosing you that to be a part of your life can be just as painful because we are forced to face all those emotions all over again. IT IS NOT PRETTY I CAN TELL YOU.

Why is it, that the Birth Mother is always the afterthought? A singlemother in my generation was frowned upon, bought shame, a fluzy, a slut. Hang on a minute. Aren’t we the ones that have done one of the most wonderful things that a human being can do. GIVE UP OUR BABY to someone else just so they can have a better life. Just because society forces us to. So i ask you, why were we to be punished?

Mothers Day – God bless all those women and young girls who have given birth, and to the Birth Mothers who have  given up their babies to enrich other peoples lives so they can be blessed and have a lifetime of mothers days and also God bless those mothers who have had to deal with infant death.

Mothers Day is a happy celebration for most but spare a thought for those with much silent sadness.

Mothers Day – Happy Mothers Day.

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Nowra, NSW the end of our first journey….

Sun 27.6.1999 – NOWRA, NSW.

Well we are up out of bed enjoying brekky – Sandra made us porrage, sitting overlooking a beautiful clear morning overlooking the ocean. Within a short while the Dolphins came swimming by. Perfect. Sandra is taking the kids and I for a drive to Nowra – Where her sister Margaret lives sho also adopted a girl named Cathy. We meet and had lunch – Seafood with them. What beautiful people. I see Margaret as an important key to the success of the Sense family. I would love to spend more time with them. I could talk for hours and hours with them. We then ventured back to Batemans Bay. Its about a 2 hour trip. OH – We stopped off at the shopping mall for Sandra to look at Pots and Pans for Tash. Yes – Here we are in the middle of nowhere and the shops are open all day on a Sunday. Brisbane really needs to catch up. Well Liam slept most the way back. When we got back, Jason and Tash had cleaned up the yeard and cooked us a roast dinner YUM YUM!

Sandra and I both sat up and watched a movie on tape that we fell asleep watching the night before. I think we just both couldn’t sleep tonight as we know that tonight is our last night together. We head back to Dubbo in the morning and the kids and I head for Brissy! YEAH – I’m ready to sleep in MY BED so i can stretch out in comfort. It has gone fast. We have done so much in one week. No one would believe we could fit that much in. Now i feel totally at peace. My gap truly filled. To sleep in the room that Tash grew up in. To stay in the house/home in which she was raised. To reach out and be accepted by her parents as a good person makes me feel very proud of all of us.

I forgot to mention that Sandra drove me to MOGO a little town that sells arts and crafts etc. Alot like Mt. Tamborine. There i bought Tash a Rose Quartz and a Stainless butterfly. The Quartz for Love and butterfly for rememberance (a new life).

Well the night has come to an end.

GOOD NIGHT – SEE YA IN THE MORNING

Mon 28th June 1999 – BOUND FOR DUBBO then BRISBANE

Well what a holiday we have had. THE BEST. I can’t believe we are coming to an end. Sandra and Bruce, Tash and Jason really know how to show friends a good time. Well i feel like i have known the Sense family for years. Yet we are strangers in a way. I have only met Sandra twice and Tash 3 times. I believe my baby was an act of GOD. He has surely looked over me these years to help me stay sane. I have always felt someone over my shoulder. I still look at Tash and wonder – What If? – But really that is unfare. I’m sitting outside admiring the view when Tash starts playing the organ. The Theme from “Titanic” Well i just start crying. Uncontrollably. My god she is a fantastic organ player. Then she plays “All i ever wanted I Give to you” Well I’m still blubbering. I can’t look at Sandra and she can’t look at me. I gather Sandra is having a cry also. I’m crying because this beautiful gift of music Tash has may have never have been if i raised her. Sandra is crying because she doesn’t hear her music at home any longer as her little girl has left home and taken her music with her. Well Tash finishes playing and wonders why we are blubbering. Then she goes off with Jason to pick up a part for the car. That would be right “Typical”. Well Sandra and I pack ready for when Jason comes back. Before I know it it’s 11am and we are in the car bound for Dubbo, we should arrive around 4pm.

Well off we go – I notice our fuel is low – Remember the fuel gauge doesn’t work on Sandra’s car. We decide to fuel up after the turn off out of Batemans Bay. We are on empty. The little fuel pump stop was closed due to a funeral. I look at Sandra and she says no worries we should have enough to get us to the next town. Through the rangers we go and half way the fuel light comes on. I tell Sandra, yet she is not concerned. I remember Peter telling me ge got 20km in our car and didn’t run out after the light comes on.  The sign says B40

My gut says we are going to run out of fuel. Well we get ¾ through the rangers and on a tiny road the car snuffs. Cuts out. I say to Sandra – Well we have just run out of fuel. Well the look on Sandra’s face was to die for. She was in shock “What do you mean?” she says. I mean “We have no fuel” Meanwhile 2 trucks are trying to fit around us. Sandra hops out and goes us off the road a little. She still doesn’t believe me. She then says to me. Just start her up. There might have been a blockage or something. I personally think she is mad, so i turn the key & bugger me dead it starts. Quick jump in we may be able to roll the rest of the way. Well we made it out of the rangers, I see a sign B20. Well was i glad about that then befor i knew it – PUTT PUTT PUTT BLARRR – The car really does run out of fuel. This time. We are not going no-where. Well I quickly sum up our options. WE NEED FUEL.

Before Sandra can get out of the car I have thumbed a lift to the next town for fuel. Thank heavens it was a lady and her dog willing to give us a lift. I don’t really know what i would have said if it was a man. The kids and I stay with the car while Sandra goes with the lady into town for fuel. I imagine her to be gone for 1 hour max. So the kids and i have a pee, drink and play. We are in WOOP WOOP. Nothing but acres and acres of farm land with Sheep inside with electric fenses. Well 20min later Sandra is back. The lady who picked her up brought her back. What a life saver. It turns out that she has done the same thing, Underestimated the ranges and she too has run out of fuel. So there – We are not the only ones – All i can do is laugh. I can’t believe we ran out of fuel. Well after splashing ½ the fuel can over me we head off to fill up YEAHHHH A full tank.

We the kids and I returned home safely and Sandra and I still laugh about this story till this very day.

GOOD TIMES

Canberra/Batesmans Bay 25-26 June 1999

Fri 25.6.1999

CANBERRA/BATEMANS BAY

2am Bruce takes Peter to the bus stop. It feels really strange saying goodbye to him again. It is true that distance makes the heart grow stronger. I go back home but can’t go back to sleep. As today we head off for Canberra and then Batemans Bay. Man have we done some miles. Who would ever think soon we would be standing in Canberra. It’s only 4-5 hour drive. Soon we are packed and ready to go. All the kids are in Tashs car ha! ha!. We stopped at Cowra half way to swap driving. Liam came with us. Sleep time – You beauty. Tash gets out and starts screaming CHIM CHIMINEY grrrr (ha ha)

Well we arrive in Canberra in time for some lunch. We stop at a cafe on the river with the huge water spray fall. We then move onto Parliament House – VERRYYY IMPRESSIVE. The entire foyer is made from marble. I would love to spend some time here without the kids. There is a lot of history, information, theatre rooms that you can sit in. Also a guided tour around the house that would be interesting. However the trip was worth it as the Green Room was in session. So we got to go in and see how things happen and I saw a few common faces. They were discussing GST. More like debating the GST – Sandra and I could have sat there all day however we had the kids with us. The security we had to go through just to get in and out was alarming. I guess you can justify it in a way. Well we are finished in Canberra and set off for Batemans Bay. I can’t wait to see what Natasha’s place looks like. After 3 hours of driving through beautiful countryside and ranges we arrive in Batemans Bay. What a beautiful place Tash has.

Open, modern, lovely furniture and a view to die for. Overloooking the complete bay without a tree in sight. The dolphins swim in front of us morning and afternoon and the birds are wonderful. Sandra bought them a book of birds so when we spot one we can look it up and tick it off in the book. Mind you we showed more interest in the book than Tash and Jason. Well it’s getting late and Jason cooks up Spag Bog. Ayrlie won’t eat it only plain pasta, only likes Daddy’s pasta. We set up our beds and hit the sack. It’s been a long day. I’m exhausted.

SAT 26.6.1999

Murrumarang Resort – Batemans Bay NSW Australia

Well last night it poured rain. I left Ayrlies stinky shoes outside and they got sagged. We need to go into Batmans Bay to do some food shopping and Ayrlie had to wear a pair of Natasha’s Shoes so I could take her to buy her some new shoes. The kids are driving me nuts so I separate Cody (Jason’s son) for a while. Liam and Ayrlie are really going troppo. The excitement of travel and going away is driving them fruity. We go home and unpack our shopping then have some lunch and then jump back into the cars for a driving tour. We go to a couple of wonderful look outs then to the “Far away Tree” Ayrlie loved it. These trees were amazing. There is a Tarzan swing inside for kids to swing on. Ayrlie loved it she made Tarzan sounds as she swung around. You could tell her adrenalin was racing. We look at some amazing houses and property and new estates going up. This little town reminds me of how Pottsville (NSW) was in the 1980’s. Home we go and we decide on Pizza, Garlic Bread and Diet Coke. DELISH – YUM YUM. This is the 1st takeaway dinner we have bought all trip. Man was that Pizza good. Liam even ate around 3 pieces.

OOPS! I forgot the resort Tash worked at. The kangaroos around her are roaming the streets like cats and dogs. They hop around the neighbourhood in and out of yards. The kids can go up and pat and feed them. It really is incredible. I have never seen anything like it before. Peter would love it here. I can’t wait to share Batemans Bay with him. It’s only 2hrs from Sydney. Tash and Jason have told him to come down for a weekend. I think I should push him to do it. Great fishing in Batemans Bay too. I watched boats go out and in constantly during our stay. Well tomorrow Sandra is driving me and the kids to Nowra to meet her sister Margaret and her daughter Cathy whom she adopted. I wish Tash would come. I guess we are all tired of travelling. But stil, I wished she would come. I should have asked her myself. Never mind.

Until then – GOOD NIGHT.

You are the Light – Our 21st Wedding Anniversary 16th March 2012

Well today we celebrate 21 years of marraige. It has been a journey and a half. When we took our vows we took them seriously. For better and for worse. Richer or Poorer. We also promised each other that we would grow old together, forever. When Natasha entered our lives these vows were truely put to the test.

Alot of people don’t really listen to those vows and don’t really hear what the words mean, however we did. We worked through this huge challenge and i am very proud to say that we have been together for 26 eventfuly years.

The wedding song i chose was You Are The Light (of my dark world) by Lone Justice was a  song that had a deep meaning for me as you were truly a light in my dark world that i kept a secret. Thankyou with my heart for standing my me Peter i truly love you.

Here’s to many more!!!!!!!!

 

YOU ARE THE LIGHT

You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
Oh how you shine in my time of darkness

Oh how you shine when everything seems hopeless

You know how to help me when I can’t stand on my own

Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
Oh how you shine in my time of indecision

Oh how you shine, gonna give this girl some vision

You know how to let go when I can’t stand on my own Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
You know how to let go when I can’t stand on my own Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
You are the light in my dark world You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world

– Lone Justice

Fri 18.6.1999 – In Limbo

Fri 18.6.1999

Tash and Sandra take me into Dubbo to their home where Tash  grew up all her life at 11 Alfred St., Dubbo. What a wonderful, loving home she has.  A typical country house you can honestly call home. With plenty of home photos of proud parents and their baby girl “Tash”. The picture and questions I have had all my life has, in this moment, all been answered.

Meeting Bruce for the first time was important to me as I needed to meet the man Tash calls ‘DAD’ the most important ½ of my decision to adopt was because she didn’t have a father figure if I was to raise her. It was important to me that she was raised by both a mother and father. What wonderful people to invite us into their home and have us feel like family. I need to keep myself together or I will cry all week. I am proud of the person Tash has become and I’m very thankful that God guided her into Bruce and Sandra’s arms. I know now  that  I was meant to have this baby for Bruce and Sandra as they are very special and loving people.  Another thing that is so special is that I find a lot of Sandra’s qualities in myself. We have found many similarities in ourselves aside from Tash and me. Well I have had about 2 hours of broken sleep and Tash has already taken me out and about to meet some special people in her life. 1st I rang Nat. To come over for a coffee and tricked her that I was Tash. Tash and Sandra took me on a Tour of Dubbo then Tash took me around town. We went and gave a surprise visit on Nat & Alison after they had a mad night at the Commercial Hotel. We had a fun visit. I learnt more about Tash’s secrets HA HA. Then we went out to visit Donna her music teacher. What a lovely lady. I tried to con Tash to play the Organ for me but to no avail. By this time it was around 3pm. I just can’t go on any longer. I’m exhausted. We go home for me to have a sleep. I do–snore. I wake up and Sandra and Jason have made us dinner. We are all off for an early night sleep……

My first Trip to Dubbo NSW 17.6.1999 Diary entries….

Thurs 17.6.1999

Well  we arrive at the Bus Depot  Safe and sound. Dad dropped  Ayrlie (age 6), Liam (age 3) and Me at the lift and I’m now by myself with the kids on an adventure.

We arrive at 6pm to depart at 6.30pm well you guessed it, the bus was late. 1 Hour. Wasn’t that fun amusing the kids for 1Hr in Roma St. Brisbane. Well the excitement has set in and we are boarding the bus. What is ahead – Who knows. Well lucky for us the kids had a seat to themselves and no one next to me. YEAH!!!! We leave at 7.30pm off for Toowoomba then down to Dubbo. The kids fall asleep before the 1st stop. each having a seat to themselves. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. Part of me worrying about the kids the other wondering how Dubbo will turn out.

Liam woke up around 2am. I took him to the toilet, put on a pull up and back to our seat. We went inside at the next stop for a drink and run around. We board the bus again and Liam spends some time looking out at the stars. I was telling him about the milky way and his reply was “Where is the chocolate mummy?” Ha! Ha! Liam finally sleeps. I stay awake thinking about being with Peter again (He was working in Sydney as there was now work in Brisbane). I can’t wait. I am constantly looking out at the stars. I have never seen so many before. The stars shine right down to the horizon. Then i spot the consolation- scorpions tail, then for the 1st time ever,  see the scorpion in its entirety WOW.

It’s about 5.30am and Ayrlie wakes up. We sit in the front seat together and watch out for Dubbo. On our trip I spoke to 3 people about my Natasha story. I still have had not one negative response. You know nearly everyone I talk to knows of someone who is either adopted or an adoptee. Well we are rolling down the freeway and bang there is a row of 1 million lights. Both Ayrlie and I mouths drop. WOW look at all those lights. Here we are  in the middle of nowhere – Out in the west and there is this  huge city in front of me. All the tourist info on Dubbo i ready says Population 34,000. Yeah right, more like 60,000. I cannot believe the size of this place. Ayrlie says “Look at all those lights in a straight line mummy!” We were in shock. We arrive at Dubbo Bus Depot where Sandra and Tash pick us up at 6.30am and then take us to the home that Natasha was raised in ………

Diary Journal 9/11/1998 The Day we Met.

Natasha found this journal entry i had made on the day we meet for the very first time in Queens Park, Ipswich Qld.

Mon 9-11-98

Well this morning my mind, feelings and emotions have frozen. I don’t know what to think. It’s 5.30am in the morning and I’m ready to meet Natasha this very instant. I need to wait until at least 8am before I can call her in Toowoomba. I realize she had a huge drive, late night and needs some sleep. Well the kids are awake, peters getting ready for work and he agrees that he is ready to meet Natasha at our home after he comes home from work. Music to my ears. I couldn’t believe it. Well the morning shift getting the kids ready went faster than any day. We were all ready to leave and it was 7.45am. on a normal school day we are pushing to get out of the door at 8.10 – 8.20am. Just my luck. 15 more minutes to wait before i call Toowoomba. We still haven’t confirmed the name of the park that we are meeting at in Ipswich. I know its Queens Park on Brisbane Rd, I’m not sure Tash knows its this park. Anyway off to school as usual. I drop Ayrlie and Zac off, then Liam. I’m so nervous. I go buy a Diet Coke at 8.30am. I get in my car. Destination IPSWICH to meet my daughter that haven’t seen in 18 years. I have talked to Natasha for hours and hours the past month. We have swapped photos and Natasha slipped in a video the week before we actually get to meet and touch each other. The last month at home has been “HELL”. Peter and I had to work out this whole situation. He was totally shocked, hurt and confused when I told him I have a 18 year old daughter and that nobody else had known about not even him. Take in mind Peter and I have been together for 13 years of those 18!!!!!! I prayed and i never lost faith that peter would understand the decisions I made. Our love for each other is unconditional. In fact Natasha – You have brought us closer together. All these thoughts are going through my mind while i am driving to Ipswich. I swear I was driving 120kph. I couldn’t get their quick enough.

Bingo – I’m shaking and I start to laugh and cry all at the same time. I tried to stop myself from blubbering because i want to hold myself together for when we meet. Well I’m now on Brisbane Rd., turn the corner and I’m at the Park. Looking frantically for Natasha in Blue pants and white top. I can’t see her. I park under a shady Jacaranda tree and fumble out of my car. God – I think, Will she like what she sees? Will she like the person I am? Will she be disappointed? Will she hit me, abuse me? All these crazy thoughts. I still can’t see her.

I walk around the park. NO TASH. I then wonder if i have the correct park. I walk up to the canteen to ask if this was Queens Park. The lady smiles and says “YES”. PHEWW!!! I would have died if i had the wrong park. It was 9.10am still NO TASH. I sit on the park bench sussing out every single car that drives past. I forgot what type of car Tash said she would be in. We had arranged to meet on Brisbane Rd side of the park. She was coming from Toowoomba and it looked tricky to cross the main road from that direction to get to the park.

I thought to myself. They have missed the park. They are probably heading for Brisbane. I was going to wait until 9.30am then find a phone and call Tash’s mobile. I have to PEE. I go to the LOO. Race back out. Still NO TASH. I sit at the table and notice a silver car with tinted windows and NSW number plates. I FEEL SICK.

I notice Jason gets out for a stretch then goes back into the car. Minutes which seems like hours later no-one gets out of the car! I know its them, I think to myself – Natasha can’t do it – She doesn’t want

to get out of the car. I want to run down to the car and meet everyone at once. Then I remember the councillor at Jigsaw advised me to see only Tash at 1st on natural grounds then meet others later. So I can’t sit still. I stand to walk and see that number plates are from NSW – They are. I watch from the distance, Natasha and her mum get out of the car. I was so nervous i hid behind the toilet block as i could see Natasha and Sandra hugging each other with support. I walk around toilet block to see Jason drive Sandra off in the car and this beautiful looking girl, my height and stature walking towards me. I wanted to run down the bank and roll in the grass, hug, kiss and be silly. I wanted to just look at her. At this stage I’m not feeling anything. I have a smile from ear to ear. My heart is pounding. My palms sweating! We come together and embrace. All my dreams come true from that second on.

Regardless what was to follow. The daughter I had to adopt was in my arms. I could feel her skin, smell her being, touch her, talk to her. MY GOD – I thank you for bringing her into my life! I can’t explain what it meant when we just looked into each other’s eyes. I know we are complete strangers yet i felt some sort of innate connection EVERY time i look into your eyes. You are beautiful. I feel so proud of you. I’m bursting. I just want to hold you and never let you go. I still haven’t found any works to describe exactly what it is that I’m experiencing.

We decide to go to the canteen have a cuppa and compare fingers and toes. Well we had a great Ol chat and look and chat and stare and cry and chat and look and stare…… What – A – Day!!! I’m now bursting to meet Sandra. I want to just hold Natasha’s head in both hands, run my fingers in her hair and kiss her face all over. I have a silly cold sore from nervous tension which prevents me to do this. I will get another chance I hope.

The morning is kind of a blurr. Natasha jumps in my car. Off we drive. How strange. Just like that. Off we go to window shop in Ipswich. So I get an idea what Natasha likes and dislikes. We both like gold, we have similar tastes in clothes, Different taste in smelling things, soaps, perfumes tec. We walk into a bra and undies shop looking for a bargain. Don’t ask me why but i just blurted out that Natasha was my daughter. Well the sales lady just looked at us, her mouth hit the floor. She looked at me and said. Your too you. She looked at Tash and said you’re too mature. We just looked at each other and laughed. Well time clicked over soon enough for us to mozzie back to the park to meet Sandra and Jason. Tash and i arrived back at 12pm. Jason turned up without Sandra OOHHH! Then up pulls a cab with Sandra running out the door with a beautiful bunch of flowers “Roses” Red Roses for ME. Well i just fell in love with Sandra that very second. She is everything I prayed my daughter would have in her life. Bruce our time will come to meet each other. I know you where there in spirit. All i could do was hug and thank Sandra for being the person that she is. I hugged and cried but at the same time felt at peace in Sandra’s arms. What a beautiful lady she is. Natasha was blessed to have Sandra and Bruce as parents. Sandra is everything i could not have been for Natasha. Natasha is who she is because of the love, support and guidance that Bruce and Sandra have given her. I’m not jealous but proud that “I DID” do a good thing for everyone. Off we went to lunch at the Centenary Tavern.

We sat, looked, touched, stared, cried at each other. Sandra showed me information that she kept over the years all on Natasha. Even the bracelet  that mum bought for her when she was born. 18 years old and still shinny gold the same when we bought it. WOW!!! What a rush. Well time still ticking we decided to part ways. Jason has to take Sandra to Caboolture. I’ll take Tash to meet her

Brother and Sister. We go to school to pick up Ayrlie then to Day care to pick up Liam. I instantly feel comfortable having Natasha by my side. It has helped by talking to her hours and hours the last month. We have done allot of ground work.

Here I am with a grin like a Cheshire cat with MY 3 CHILDREN with ME in the car. Pinch me I’m dreaming. We are now off for a quick stop. OOPS i forgot to mention i took Natasha to meet my best friend in the whole wide world Beverley. Then we went to school to pick up the kids. Now we are off for a quick stop to meet my mum and dad. (Nanna and Poppy). Then most of all to meet Peter. I rang from mums and he was giving a shower and shave. This was a good sign, we stayed a little longer then for the big intro and welcome to our home. I’m driving up our driveway and I’m excited and nervous how Peter is going to be. Well we enter and peter is sitting outside. He comes in and I introduce him to my daughter Natasha. They shake hands and look at each other. Then Ayrlie swoops Natasha into her room to show her some things. Peter turns to me and says that she “Natasha” looks like me. I just smile from ear to ear. How proud I am of peter. I love him unconditionally.

More excitement is coming for Natasha because she is going to meet her Birth Dad tonight as well. So she arranges to meet him in a coffee shop close by. Jason isn’t back yet,  so i take her up there and introduce her to him. I’ve never seen anyone so nervous. Well I arrange to come back in ½ – 1hr. I’m off to weight watchers. I have Ayrlie with me. We meet Valetta. I ask if she would like to meet my daughter. Well Letty’s mouth nearly hit the floor. She went all flustered. Let followed me to the coffee shop where we were to pick up Tash. They were deep in conversation. We joined them for a minute then Let and i went to our cars to wait for Tash to say Goodbye. It was great to see him interested and accepting Natasha as his. What a lucky girl to meet her birth mother and father all in the one day.

Natasha you must be mentally exhausted. Well back home we go. I go and get drinks and KFC. We spent most of the night just looking and smiling at each other. It was great having Valetta there with me. She is such a great friend. Peter, Jason, Natasha and I sat up until 2.30am talking. Jason was rolling on the floor laughing he was having such a great time comparing Tash and I with Peter.

It really is amazing how much alike Tash and I are. To think i have had NO influence in her life what so ever the past 18 years yet our aneurisms, personality, facial expressions are so alike. SOMEONE PINCH ME I’m dreaming. I can’t explain Natasha the connection i feel to you when you look into my eyes. I will never forget my feelings.

I ache with pain yet I’m overfilled with joy and happiness to actually sit beside you, feel your breath, touch your skin, pat your hair, look into your eyes. I bonded to you instantly. Natasha – I will always love you. Now when I think of you I have a real person to relate to.

THANK YOU FOR BEING IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

A Poem Tash wrote for Ayrlie when she graduated year 12 2010

What you mean to me,

Is more than I can express

You see, I had no sister when I was little

To call when I was in distress.

When we first met,

We had no clue,

…What was getting ready to happen,

Which was for me,

completely out of the blue.

God had a plan,  Throughout all the years,

He was making us for each other,

 To share life’s smiles and tears.

I never could have imagined,

What a sister’s love was about,

Until I met you,

And then I really found out.

A sisters love is unconditional,

It’s a Love has no end,

A sisters Love wants the best for each other,

It’s a love that will always defend.

Sometimes we may get mad,

Or we may begin to fight,

But that’s the fun part about having a sister,

We both think we’re always right!

I’m glad that I did not have,

A sister in the past,

It’s made me much more thankful,

For the sister I have at last.

– Tash

New born babies – Why can’t i hold them????

My beautifl niece who was our flower girl at our wedding, gave
birth this week to a beautiful baby girl and i struggle to go visit in fear
that i will be expected to hold her. After giving Natasha up for adoption i was
never close to babies ever. I was never around them until i met and fell in love
with Peter. He had 16 nieces and nephews at the time and boy have they increased
since then. I think now we are onto second cousins etc…

Well i usually wait until babies are at least 3 months old
before i go and visit. Why you might ask? Well every time i look at a new born
i flash back to the day i had to say goodbye to my baby. That moment is burnt
into my brain and i struggle to move past it. I am overcome with past emotions
and feelings even for a few moments that just make my stomach ache, then i have
to compose myself and remember to act as if all is under control and normal.
The easiest way for me to cope is to not see them. It is just a natural
instinct for the new mum to say here have a hold. When deep down inside i am
shitting myself and i have to say “O no thanks I’m good” only to get a funny
look in return so it’s just better to just not visit them.

When  Natasha gave  birth to Chloe Rose in NSW my parents went down to see her, but i couldn’t get
the courage to drive down and see her. It was just all too much. How could i
stand there and celebrate the birth of this beautiful baby girl, my granddaughter
when in fact i had given her mother away as a baby. It just does my head in.

Peter got on his bike this morning to ride up to Bribie Island to see our Flower Girls new baby and i am still left crying my heart out
cause i just want to be able to hold something so precious without feeling so
guilty.

Last year our other Niece had a beautiful baby girl and i
turned up to a family football tournament and got caught out in front of the
family as she threw her baby into my arms innocently and said here can you hold
her for a second. Well i just about spewed on the spot. I had to sit
immediately and then the tears staring rolling down my face as i just sat
looking at how beautiful she was and so innocent with no knowledge of her
future. I was frozen. Everyone was asking me why i was crying. I couldn’t talk
just said that i don’t know and that i am stupid and i need to stop crying. I
nursed her to sleep i was so proud of myself that day but today i just couldn’t
do it.

Peter asked me this morning how did i feel when Ayrlie and
Liam were born?  i replied. ” I never let them go. No one was taking them away from
me. I just never let them go.”

Please family it’s not that i don’t like little babies, it’s
quite the opposite I love them too much…..

Happy Birthday Tash 11.10.2011

 

11th October 2011 – Natasha Rose turns 31 today.

To my beautiful daughter Natasha. Happy 31st Birthday Groover. Enjoy your first Queensland Birthday in the great Sunshine Coast. I look forward to having lunch and a swim with you, your brother and Sister. How good does that sound?  Bloody awesome i reckon. I’m going to just jump in my car and drive up to see you and it will only take me 1 ½ hours not 2 days. Somebody pinch me!!!!!!!

OK – Just so you know. Natasha doesn’t do birthday cards. She doesn’t like to celebrate birthdays. So she tells me. Although we did a good job at your 21st ha ha. No serious. We have never really talked about why but this is what i think- Do you think because i gave you up that there is nothing to celebrate. I often wonder why you wouldn’t want or care about a birthday. If that is why then i do totally understand. I would love for you to explain your thoughts.

For me – Your Birthdays. Mmmm this was a tough one. Every year after you were born i would say happy birthday to you  in my prayers. Funny thing was i could never remember if it was the 11/10 or 10/11. I would always have to stop and think about it and work it out. Funny how your brain looses memories when you are suppressing a  trauma.  I remember when i first said to you when is your birthday 10/11 or 11/10? you nearly ripped my head off. Are you kidding me you said? Then i had to explain why i asked. We have come a long way since then.

I remember once driving in the car with Mum and I bravely said to her. Mum its Sheree’s birthday today. She smiled and said “is it.” Then nothing else was said. Only about 1 or 2 years later, I got that phone call.

I have a new struggle now that you are in my life. Birthdays. How do i fit. You had a mother and father that gave you everything you needed, where do i fit in? Is my birthday card going to matter. Is my present even going to be wanted. Where do I fit? What can i possibly give you – I don’t even know you – But your my daughter- F— This, Where do I fit. I guess it is easier to sit back and blend in. For the first time in my life I’m not in control, I am stuck, I don’t know where i fit into your life. But I’m your mum, i should fit, but where???? This question is still in my head this very day. Natasha and I deliberately miss each other’s birthdays. Belated is where we fit. Although this year, 2011 i get a present and a card from Natasha on my birthday date.  I was so excited i cried. The best part is to come, she gives me a woolly sheep warning me that the country girl is coming to the city. I laughed my head off.

Happy Birthday Tash, I love you very much.

Love Mum #2