Mothers Day as a Birth Mum – May 2012

I  wasn’t Natasha’s mum. I really am “THE BIRTH MUM”. So  i have come to accept that after 13 years i am still finding my place.

As a Birth Mum this is another day that effects us. Mothers Day. Every year after Tash was born i would say quietly to myself. “Happy Mother’s Day Viv”. I wonder what she is giving her mum today. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if she is happy.

For the children whom are adopted and wonder if your mothers ever think of you. I can guarantee that they do every time it is Easter, Mothers Day, Your Birthday, Our birthday and Christmas just to name the times we are literally forced to think of you, not to mention the times we bump into a child your age at that time and are left wondering, or when we are at a shopping centre and see other mothers with children about the same age you would be at that moment or when visiting friends and family that have had children that would now be your age. So many times, so many times.

Most times it will be silent thoughts, non spoken but deep and true thoughts. If you have never contacted your birth mum and i know you stop and think and ask yourself “Does she ever even think or care about me? I believe in my heart, 99% honestly do. It’s how we deal with it as individuals is when you get a different result.

I know there are Birth Mums that do not want to have contact with the adopted Child. I believe it is not that she doesn’t care about you, but that the Birth Mother has been so hurt from loosing you that to be a part of your life can be just as painful because we are forced to face all those emotions all over again. IT IS NOT PRETTY I CAN TELL YOU.

Why is it, that the Birth Mother is always the afterthought? A singlemother in my generation was frowned upon, bought shame, a fluzy, a slut. Hang on a minute. Aren’t we the ones that have done one of the most wonderful things that a human being can do. GIVE UP OUR BABY to someone else just so they can have a better life. Just because society forces us to. So i ask you, why were we to be punished?

Mothers Day – God bless all those women and young girls who have given birth, and to the Birth Mothers who have  given up their babies to enrich other peoples lives so they can be blessed and have a lifetime of mothers days and also God bless those mothers who have had to deal with infant death.

Mothers Day is a happy celebration for most but spare a thought for those with much silent sadness.

Mothers Day – Happy Mothers Day.

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Dubbo City 22.6.1999

Tues 22.6.1999

Well Peter, I and the kids are spending a day together in Dubbo City, we pay a few bills and Peter spots the Heart Disease van and promises me to have the tests done. Well 20min later the nurse is instructing me to take him straight to hospital as she is worried about his results. Well we drop the kids off to Tash and Jason and off to hospital we go. Peter has some blood tests done and a cardiograph. Then off for some x-rays to check the size of his heart. I have to pull myself together and stop myself from crying. I can see peter is a little anxious. Then they tell us they want him to stay in overnight OH MY GOD – Peter has never stayed in a hospital before and here he is in Dubbo Base Hospital as a in patient. Peter is supposed to leave for Sydney tonight but not now. I have to ring to get him an open ticket back. Well did our day change. I go home to have a roast dinner with the Sense Family and then take the kids up to see Daddy. Back home we go. It feels really strange leaving peter behind laying in hospital. Well they want to do further blood tests and a stress test in the morning. It is lucky that Peter is in a country hospital he got good food and treatment.

SWEET DREAMS

Wed. 23.6.1999

Peter rings us at 9.30am is allowed to come home. We go up there and the sister won’t release him as they are waiting on results. Back home I go then at 11am Peter rings – says he can come home, up we go again to pick him up. This time the Dr. Won’t let him go, said another ½ hour. I have to go back home as Sandra is taking me to Denis’s home for lunch today. So off I go again and arrange for Tash and Jason to pick him up at 12pm. What a beautiful home Denise has. Magnificent. Well Denise has made a beautiful Tuna quesh and salad. Served in a beautiful dinning room with the best china and silver. I felt like royalty. We had a lot in common as Denise is a massage therapist and is studying cranial, sacral technique. She is also a very spiritual person. After a beautiful lunch we mozzy out into her massage room. A set up to die for. With an electric bed, desk, change area – Just perfect. Denise hopes to change her magnificent home into a B & B. I pray her dreams come true. Meanwhile at 1.30pm Peter calls. He is still in hospital. By this time he is jacked off. So he walks out. Just discharges himself. When Sandra and I get home peter was home. But needs to follow up tests when back in Brisbane. PHEW

Thurs 24.6.1999

Yeah, Peter is still in town but will leave tonight at 2am. Tash took me up to her school – Dubbo Christian School and showed me around. Wow what a big school. Excellent hall. Tash introduces me as her birth mum to her teachers and headmaster Mr. Sheerman.  I was proud as we walked around meeting people. We head back home and Sandra whips me away to meet Cathy. Peter just looks at me and says now where are you going? I answer Darling “you’re enjoying quality time with your children” then off i go again. Cathy  owns a lovely house in Dubbo, we chat all about our reunion. It is strange as everyone here in Dubbo new Tash was adopted and wanted to meet her birth mother so I was the person everyone wanted to meet. I ponder if i am at all anything they imaged me to look or be like. Natasha says she had no image of what i would be like. I guess i can say the same. There are too many questions you ask yourself to come up with and answer to have any images. Well we are off back home again. Tomorrow we set off to Canberra and Batemans Bay……

Western Plains Zoo – Dubbo NSW 21-6-1999

Mon 21-6-1999

Western Plains Zoo.

Up and at it again today. We are off to the famous Western plains Zoo. Ayrlie and Liam have never been to a Zoo before and I am looking forward to sharing their excitement when seeing an elephant, giraffe, tiger etc for the very 1st time. I expect the zoo to be similar to Melbourne Zoo. Sandra has packed a picnic lunch for us all. Off we go – WOW what a Zoo

Nothing like Melbourne  – More like a Safari with all outdoor animals. Tash said she wanted to drive around – I think she is just lazy. Boy wasn’t  I wrong – Man am i glad we are driving around. This place is HUGE. You really feel like your on a safari. The kids are loving it. Liam gets excited over the Zebra’s. We move on and ½ way stop for lunch in a lovely park watching the monkeys. After gauging ourselves silly we are to lazy to continue, off we go to complete the track. We venture into the Koala park, we are eye to eye with a mother and her baby – I didn’t know that mother Koalas had a pouch for their babies. The baby went snuggling inside and disappeared. Off we go to the souvenere shop to buy the kids a treat. We return back home exhausted. Peter and I book a motel for the night HUBBA!  HUBBA! The kids stay with us and are excited as this is their 1st time they have stayed in a hotel. They played in the shower, layed around in the beds and watched T.V. We bought some groceries for Brekky. What a great night sleep in the Queen Size Bed – Warm and snug. Well Peter is to leave Tuesday night so we make the most of our time together. I’m sure Sandra and Bruce neded to have a break from us as well.

Good night

Dirty Blood – A story from Natasha

Dirty Blood

Children come in to this world by no choice but by the mother that carries them.

For me I came into this world with no understanding of why was I a child of adoption.

Did I do something wrong?

Was I a mistake?

The only book I clung onto as kid that explained these answer was a book Called ‘Why was I adopted?’ by Carole Livingstone

 

Living life as an adopted child wasn’t easy. Yes I did have amazing parents and was given everything that my parents could give, underneath there were some sad and emotional times that I had no answer for.

 

I grew up in a family where Adoption was accepted by most of the family. I guess my only angers lies with my mum’s parents. My dad’s parents had already passed long before I came into this world.

 

My Mums mother Margaret. I never had so much dislike for a Human. It started when I was little and eventually grew into something I can’t explain.

‘Don’t put your hand in the biscuit jar’.. She would say to me in this most annoying loud galah voice.

‘Don’t sit or touch anything’,..why is your Daughter so ungrateful’? I could go on and on.

These are some of thing I would here from the women that was suppose to me my grandmother. The one person I thought my mum could rely on and have support from especially when she couldn’t  have children. Oh no not this women, Margaret was a unit on her own. Selfish, cold hearted and just not a nice lady.

I HATED her.. I remember at the age of 10 I would hang in the park across the road from her flat as I didn’t want to go near her. I actually have a memory of my Dad and I carving into a large tree trunk with his pocket knife our initials and a Love heart around it. Still to this day 20 years on that tree still stands and has aged still baring our days in that park.

 

Most grand kids hung with their Nan and pop doing amazing things like cooking and sleep over’s, not me.. the moment mum said were going to Parks (where she lived) I would carry on like a bitch. I hated going there, I hated the smell of her, I hated hearing her voice.

Even thinking about her now I have so much anger and frustration.

I was Dirty blood.

 

I remember one Christmas age about 10, she was handing out her gifts to the grand children, mind you I think at the time there was like 12 of us and I remember saying..”I don’t want your gift this year Margaret, I have enough hankies’.

This is pretty much what I received every year off her while I watched other grandchildren received awesome gifts. Anyway you can imagine the response.  It was hard at that age watching my cousins get Barbies and all sorts of things while Soap and hankies was my gift year after year after year.

Yes there was a grandfather. Frank was his name. He never spoke to me or did anything. I guess he was so over ruled by this woman he just did as he was told. Not much to tell really but at the age of 80 something he died.

 

My mum did everything she could to try to ignore what was going on as a child. Mum eventually supported my frustration and stopped forcing me to go and visit Margaret and Frank. Mum never questioned my dislike and never forced any contact with them through my later years.

Mum knew..

 

I can’t imagine what that must have been like for mum. How can you cherish an adoption opportunity and have it totally rejected by her own parents. All the emotions that mum buried inside her for all those years. Surely there must have been something burning inside her to tell them off.

Nope.. she’s the peace keeper in the family.

In the same family there were other adopted cousins in the family that was also treated like Dirty blood. Still to this day we laugh about it and just shake our heads to that strange woman.

 

Margaret and Frank where never invited to our wedding nor welcome in my house. I just could not bring myself to let her in my home. I could honestly count on my hands the amount of times I actually said hello to her. Mind you sometimes I ran into her and didn’t say anything at all.

 

 

Over the years I never spoke to her. Barely said Hello and I never visited her. She died in her 80’s and I didn’t even go to her Funeral.  At first I hated mum taking Chloe to visit her. Why should this woman have the privilege of watching my daughter blossom and have her talk to her like Clean blood. Not sure why I let her I guess it was more for my mum’s sake.

I guess it was a weird feeling knowing my mum ached inside as she watched both her Father and mother eventually die of Cancer and whatever Margaret Died of..

I was there for mum and I always asked the question of how she was feeling, NOT how was your mother or father. I didn’t care.

The times when mum was told that her parent had passed was hard for her. I comforted her and hugged her close just because I know what it’s like to lose a parent. Inside of me was a very bad soul saying .. Thank GOD he finally took them.

As I said before there is more about mums parents that isn’t for this Blog.

 

School yard bully was slight for me. I was a sporty, outgoing popular kid at school. I was never bullied in high school. For those of you that knew me I would of smacked your face in at the time..

Hahaha I have slowed down now. However there were moments in School I do remember a particular teacher talking to the class about Adoption. Not even sure why..

But this teacher was adamant that you buy babies. So I was bought!.  How could you put a price on a baby? I never forget the day I got so angry at her and I threw a chair at her. When I was marched into the principal’s office he then explained to her that I was adopted and I am sure that Natasha would know about the processes for Australian law. That teacher was never the same again with me. I guess she too had a thing for Dirty Blood.

From that day, kids had something to throw at me. Taunts of: $1 sale, how much where you sold for?, Was it to pay for your mums white powder?, or her cab ride home from the pub where she met your dad, or to pay back her Doctor for birthing you, your mums so fat she could have babies that’s why she bought you, so on so on

This went on and on over 12 months. Yes it did hurt my feelings. Sometimes I cried in the toilets when I was alone or on my way home after I got off the bus. I never led on to my parents what the kids where saying at School. But they did know about me throwing the chair.

I loved my parents. I was born and raised to not look at the physical features of a person but the story that person holds on the inside.

Gosh we were only 13ish for god sake. How can these Kids really understand what they were saying? It was times like that I had anger for being a Child of Dirty Blood let’s call it. I really couldn’t answer them. What if really my mum did pay for me and she never told me. How much am I worth?

If my birth mother wanted me back what would my mum sell me for.. could this really happen?

 

Mum is it true???

As I still clung to my book ‘why was I adopted’ was my only refuge at that stage until I get my answers from my birth mother myself.