New born babies – Why can’t i hold them????

My beautifl niece who was our flower girl at our wedding, gave
birth this week to a beautiful baby girl and i struggle to go visit in fear
that i will be expected to hold her. After giving Natasha up for adoption i was
never close to babies ever. I was never around them until i met and fell in love
with Peter. He had 16 nieces and nephews at the time and boy have they increased
since then. I think now we are onto second cousins etc…

Well i usually wait until babies are at least 3 months old
before i go and visit. Why you might ask? Well every time i look at a new born
i flash back to the day i had to say goodbye to my baby. That moment is burnt
into my brain and i struggle to move past it. I am overcome with past emotions
and feelings even for a few moments that just make my stomach ache, then i have
to compose myself and remember to act as if all is under control and normal.
The easiest way for me to cope is to not see them. It is just a natural
instinct for the new mum to say here have a hold. When deep down inside i am
shitting myself and i have to say “O no thanks I’m good” only to get a funny
look in return so it’s just better to just not visit them.

When  Natasha gave  birth to Chloe Rose in NSW my parents went down to see her, but i couldn’t get
the courage to drive down and see her. It was just all too much. How could i
stand there and celebrate the birth of this beautiful baby girl, my granddaughter
when in fact i had given her mother away as a baby. It just does my head in.

Peter got on his bike this morning to ride up to Bribie Island to see our Flower Girls new baby and i am still left crying my heart out
cause i just want to be able to hold something so precious without feeling so
guilty.

Last year our other Niece had a beautiful baby girl and i
turned up to a family football tournament and got caught out in front of the
family as she threw her baby into my arms innocently and said here can you hold
her for a second. Well i just about spewed on the spot. I had to sit
immediately and then the tears staring rolling down my face as i just sat
looking at how beautiful she was and so innocent with no knowledge of her
future. I was frozen. Everyone was asking me why i was crying. I couldn’t talk
just said that i don’t know and that i am stupid and i need to stop crying. I
nursed her to sleep i was so proud of myself that day but today i just couldn’t
do it.

Peter asked me this morning how did i feel when Ayrlie and
Liam were born?  i replied. ” I never let them go. No one was taking them away from
me. I just never let them go.”

Please family it’s not that i don’t like little babies, it’s
quite the opposite I love them too much…..

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