I have a brother and Sister?

I asked the question the first call I made to you if you had children. I remember that my heart pounded with excitement.. Wondering if they look like me or personality like mine.

Growing up as an only child has its positives and negatives. Growing up with siblings also can have positive and negatives.  Pretty much in the family circle I grew up with all my aunties and uncles had more than one child. Our Christmas gathering or family BBQ’s were insane. Think this way, Mum had 6 sisters and 2 brothers. Dad had 11 bothers and 2 sisters. So they all had kids and in time grand kids.

No we didn’t all get together, in fact our family has a lot of mysterious stories and neither side communicated or even some of the Aunty and uncles didn’t talk to each other.. Crazy.. I could actually write a WHOLE blog site based on the bullshit of the family stories. But Who cares right?

My best friend at School was an only child. I suppose that’s why we got on soo well. We shared in soo many things. She was the only persons house I felt comfortable browsing pictures on the wall or albums.  My whole life growing up as said previously I had an awesome mum and Dad but not that picture where you can see the resemblance.

I didn’t have that somebody to fight with when I had the cranky pants on, or hand down my old clothes. I didn’t have that older sibling that could guide me or give me advice on mistakes they made to pass on that advice to me. I never had that sibling to do my hair our put make up on me. I wished I had that sibling to come pick me up in mum’s car when I’m walking home from the pub or the boyfriend’s house at the time. Mum and Dad did an awesome job of filling the gaps but it wasn’t the same. Mum and Dad were also a bit naive about the late 19th Century re street wise, Drugs, technology, education. My mum and dad never adopted again. They felt they got their chance so why take that away from other waiting families.

Yes you have a 5 year old Sister Ayrlie and a 3 year old brother Liam, Viv said. (Just so you readers know I am crying now writing this) I can remember my brain going 100 miles per hour. I wanted to meet them. It took me forever to remember Ayrlies name or even how to spell it. It was at that point I had people to protect. I had siblings to teach bad things to.. hahahaha..no serious to help grow and to be there as they get older. I was the BIG SISTER. Omg say it again.. IM A BIG SISTER!!

How to I introduce myself to a 5 year and a 3 year old. I never forget the day I met you both.

Ayrlie you attached yourself to me straight away and I couldn’t SHUT YOU UP.. hahhaha. You had the most beautiful blue eyes. The same as mine. Vibrant blue with the dark blue ring around the edges. You had the longest curliest hair and you wore a shirt and long skirt with Sandals. You hated skirts. You hated your hair, anyone brushing your hair or touching your hair, but you loved everything in your room. I got a complete guided tour of everything you had. The whole time you sat next to me, ate next to me and just kept flapping that beautiful mouth of yours.. I had that instant connection with you. You would become mine..  in fact I remember that night when you had a bath I was allowed to brush your hair and not once did you complain.

Liam, you had the smallest cutest face a mother could ask for. Large brown eyes and you NEVER spoke. You just looked at me. You were tiny. Liam you were so unsure of who I was but you where still happy to give me a cuddle or come with me if I asked you. When I did finally get you to talk you had the most gorgeous lisp and I think maybe you stuttered a little.

Funny enough some people couldn’t understand you but I don’t ever remember being like that. You used to follow me or just sit there and stare at me. Never spoke but just happy to watch and try and work it all out in your head. You know what, you still do that today.

Again I was connected to you instantly. You also showed me your favourite toys and things you like in the house but without words.. weird I know. But I knew exactly what you where saying to me with your eyes.

The last 12 years has bought me soo much joy to see the things you guys achieved in doing and I have loved every minute I get to spend with you. Even if you do become annoying hahaha..

I have been there to support your mum when she is frustrated with you both or unsure on what to do with you in some cases. I hope to think that the personal one on one talks, laughs and arguments that we share together is something you appreciate with me and I hope that you will always feel like you can always depend on me. I find it really hard to say no to you pair.. I really do. Something I can’t explain. I am soo proud of where you are now and what you’re achieving. You both are very different characters but I love you both the same.  You make me proud to be a big sister. I love you.  xoxox

Written by Natasha Rose 09/12/2011

Diary Journal 9/11/1998 The Day we Met.

Natasha found this journal entry i had made on the day we meet for the very first time in Queens Park, Ipswich Qld.

Mon 9-11-98

Well this morning my mind, feelings and emotions have frozen. I don’t know what to think. It’s 5.30am in the morning and I’m ready to meet Natasha this very instant. I need to wait until at least 8am before I can call her in Toowoomba. I realize she had a huge drive, late night and needs some sleep. Well the kids are awake, peters getting ready for work and he agrees that he is ready to meet Natasha at our home after he comes home from work. Music to my ears. I couldn’t believe it. Well the morning shift getting the kids ready went faster than any day. We were all ready to leave and it was 7.45am. on a normal school day we are pushing to get out of the door at 8.10 – 8.20am. Just my luck. 15 more minutes to wait before i call Toowoomba. We still haven’t confirmed the name of the park that we are meeting at in Ipswich. I know its Queens Park on Brisbane Rd, I’m not sure Tash knows its this park. Anyway off to school as usual. I drop Ayrlie and Zac off, then Liam. I’m so nervous. I go buy a Diet Coke at 8.30am. I get in my car. Destination IPSWICH to meet my daughter that haven’t seen in 18 years. I have talked to Natasha for hours and hours the past month. We have swapped photos and Natasha slipped in a video the week before we actually get to meet and touch each other. The last month at home has been “HELL”. Peter and I had to work out this whole situation. He was totally shocked, hurt and confused when I told him I have a 18 year old daughter and that nobody else had known about not even him. Take in mind Peter and I have been together for 13 years of those 18!!!!!! I prayed and i never lost faith that peter would understand the decisions I made. Our love for each other is unconditional. In fact Natasha – You have brought us closer together. All these thoughts are going through my mind while i am driving to Ipswich. I swear I was driving 120kph. I couldn’t get their quick enough.

Bingo – I’m shaking and I start to laugh and cry all at the same time. I tried to stop myself from blubbering because i want to hold myself together for when we meet. Well I’m now on Brisbane Rd., turn the corner and I’m at the Park. Looking frantically for Natasha in Blue pants and white top. I can’t see her. I park under a shady Jacaranda tree and fumble out of my car. God – I think, Will she like what she sees? Will she like the person I am? Will she be disappointed? Will she hit me, abuse me? All these crazy thoughts. I still can’t see her.

I walk around the park. NO TASH. I then wonder if i have the correct park. I walk up to the canteen to ask if this was Queens Park. The lady smiles and says “YES”. PHEWW!!! I would have died if i had the wrong park. It was 9.10am still NO TASH. I sit on the park bench sussing out every single car that drives past. I forgot what type of car Tash said she would be in. We had arranged to meet on Brisbane Rd side of the park. She was coming from Toowoomba and it looked tricky to cross the main road from that direction to get to the park.

I thought to myself. They have missed the park. They are probably heading for Brisbane. I was going to wait until 9.30am then find a phone and call Tash’s mobile. I have to PEE. I go to the LOO. Race back out. Still NO TASH. I sit at the table and notice a silver car with tinted windows and NSW number plates. I FEEL SICK.

I notice Jason gets out for a stretch then goes back into the car. Minutes which seems like hours later no-one gets out of the car! I know its them, I think to myself – Natasha can’t do it – She doesn’t want

to get out of the car. I want to run down to the car and meet everyone at once. Then I remember the councillor at Jigsaw advised me to see only Tash at 1st on natural grounds then meet others later. So I can’t sit still. I stand to walk and see that number plates are from NSW – They are. I watch from the distance, Natasha and her mum get out of the car. I was so nervous i hid behind the toilet block as i could see Natasha and Sandra hugging each other with support. I walk around toilet block to see Jason drive Sandra off in the car and this beautiful looking girl, my height and stature walking towards me. I wanted to run down the bank and roll in the grass, hug, kiss and be silly. I wanted to just look at her. At this stage I’m not feeling anything. I have a smile from ear to ear. My heart is pounding. My palms sweating! We come together and embrace. All my dreams come true from that second on.

Regardless what was to follow. The daughter I had to adopt was in my arms. I could feel her skin, smell her being, touch her, talk to her. MY GOD – I thank you for bringing her into my life! I can’t explain what it meant when we just looked into each other’s eyes. I know we are complete strangers yet i felt some sort of innate connection EVERY time i look into your eyes. You are beautiful. I feel so proud of you. I’m bursting. I just want to hold you and never let you go. I still haven’t found any works to describe exactly what it is that I’m experiencing.

We decide to go to the canteen have a cuppa and compare fingers and toes. Well we had a great Ol chat and look and chat and stare and cry and chat and look and stare…… What – A – Day!!! I’m now bursting to meet Sandra. I want to just hold Natasha’s head in both hands, run my fingers in her hair and kiss her face all over. I have a silly cold sore from nervous tension which prevents me to do this. I will get another chance I hope.

The morning is kind of a blurr. Natasha jumps in my car. Off we drive. How strange. Just like that. Off we go to window shop in Ipswich. So I get an idea what Natasha likes and dislikes. We both like gold, we have similar tastes in clothes, Different taste in smelling things, soaps, perfumes tec. We walk into a bra and undies shop looking for a bargain. Don’t ask me why but i just blurted out that Natasha was my daughter. Well the sales lady just looked at us, her mouth hit the floor. She looked at me and said. Your too you. She looked at Tash and said you’re too mature. We just looked at each other and laughed. Well time clicked over soon enough for us to mozzie back to the park to meet Sandra and Jason. Tash and i arrived back at 12pm. Jason turned up without Sandra OOHHH! Then up pulls a cab with Sandra running out the door with a beautiful bunch of flowers “Roses” Red Roses for ME. Well i just fell in love with Sandra that very second. She is everything I prayed my daughter would have in her life. Bruce our time will come to meet each other. I know you where there in spirit. All i could do was hug and thank Sandra for being the person that she is. I hugged and cried but at the same time felt at peace in Sandra’s arms. What a beautiful lady she is. Natasha was blessed to have Sandra and Bruce as parents. Sandra is everything i could not have been for Natasha. Natasha is who she is because of the love, support and guidance that Bruce and Sandra have given her. I’m not jealous but proud that “I DID” do a good thing for everyone. Off we went to lunch at the Centenary Tavern.

We sat, looked, touched, stared, cried at each other. Sandra showed me information that she kept over the years all on Natasha. Even the bracelet  that mum bought for her when she was born. 18 years old and still shinny gold the same when we bought it. WOW!!! What a rush. Well time still ticking we decided to part ways. Jason has to take Sandra to Caboolture. I’ll take Tash to meet her

Brother and Sister. We go to school to pick up Ayrlie then to Day care to pick up Liam. I instantly feel comfortable having Natasha by my side. It has helped by talking to her hours and hours the last month. We have done allot of ground work.

Here I am with a grin like a Cheshire cat with MY 3 CHILDREN with ME in the car. Pinch me I’m dreaming. We are now off for a quick stop. OOPS i forgot to mention i took Natasha to meet my best friend in the whole wide world Beverley. Then we went to school to pick up the kids. Now we are off for a quick stop to meet my mum and dad. (Nanna and Poppy). Then most of all to meet Peter. I rang from mums and he was giving a shower and shave. This was a good sign, we stayed a little longer then for the big intro and welcome to our home. I’m driving up our driveway and I’m excited and nervous how Peter is going to be. Well we enter and peter is sitting outside. He comes in and I introduce him to my daughter Natasha. They shake hands and look at each other. Then Ayrlie swoops Natasha into her room to show her some things. Peter turns to me and says that she “Natasha” looks like me. I just smile from ear to ear. How proud I am of peter. I love him unconditionally.

More excitement is coming for Natasha because she is going to meet her Birth Dad tonight as well. So she arranges to meet him in a coffee shop close by. Jason isn’t back yet,  so i take her up there and introduce her to him. I’ve never seen anyone so nervous. Well I arrange to come back in ½ – 1hr. I’m off to weight watchers. I have Ayrlie with me. We meet Valetta. I ask if she would like to meet my daughter. Well Letty’s mouth nearly hit the floor. She went all flustered. Let followed me to the coffee shop where we were to pick up Tash. They were deep in conversation. We joined them for a minute then Let and i went to our cars to wait for Tash to say Goodbye. It was great to see him interested and accepting Natasha as his. What a lucky girl to meet her birth mother and father all in the one day.

Natasha you must be mentally exhausted. Well back home we go. I go and get drinks and KFC. We spent most of the night just looking and smiling at each other. It was great having Valetta there with me. She is such a great friend. Peter, Jason, Natasha and I sat up until 2.30am talking. Jason was rolling on the floor laughing he was having such a great time comparing Tash and I with Peter.

It really is amazing how much alike Tash and I are. To think i have had NO influence in her life what so ever the past 18 years yet our aneurisms, personality, facial expressions are so alike. SOMEONE PINCH ME I’m dreaming. I can’t explain Natasha the connection i feel to you when you look into my eyes. I will never forget my feelings.

I ache with pain yet I’m overfilled with joy and happiness to actually sit beside you, feel your breath, touch your skin, pat your hair, look into your eyes. I bonded to you instantly. Natasha – I will always love you. Now when I think of you I have a real person to relate to.

THANK YOU FOR BEING IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

Butterflies

Life with Peter was fun when we were younger. We had a great group of friends who we would party with every week end. We would change whose house we would party at to make it more fun. Believe me. I partied hard. I guess I told myself that I didn’t give up a baby to not have fun and that’s exactly what i did.

I decided to attend a seminar called Insight. I was introduced to this by some chiropractic piers. It was Neuro-linguistic Programming or NLP to the extreme. Well i was around 23 i think and found myself standing in a room with a microphone to my chin confessing to all in the room of around 100 people that i had had a baby, given her up for adoption and not able to talk about it. Tears are streaming down my face but the overwhelming feeling of release was indescribable. I remember my buddy for that exercise looked me straight in the eyes and said to me. “That’s OK.” “You did a good thing” I felt this was right. All the decisions i was making up until now was because of what i was suppressing. In my lunch break i found myself sitting in the Botanical Gardens (Brisbane City) sitting on the grass looking out at the yachts moored in the river and crying, no sobbing my heart out. I had never cried and sobbed like that up until now. Then all of a sudden from nowhere comes a beautiful butterfly and lands on my head. I feel myself calming down and that this butterfly was actually on my head sunning its wings. Of all places it’s on me. Now this wasn’t a small, tiny butterfly i guess its wing span was roughly 2 inches. You know the black butterflies with the pretty coloured, i think orange spots on it. It seemed as though it was sitting on me for ages. As soon as i stopped crying and calmed down it flew away. That was a spiritual moment for me. At that moment i decided that i had to let go of Sheree and move on. I was going to give myself cancer and be very unhappy if i didn’t deal with life for what i have been dealt and move on. That is exactly what i did.

My reunion with Natasha in the beginning,  i was working in Forest Lake Shopping Centre on a Craft display and was drawn to see a clairvoyant that was sitting in front of the coffee shop. I sat quiet and not saying much as she delivered a really good reading. This lady is good!. Then at the very end of my reading she looked straight into my eyes and said “So, how are the butterflies?” I burst into tears and couldn’t talk. She then said, “But now these are happy tears aren’t they?” I nodded yes, still crying. We ended the session and i had to walk around the car park to try and stop crying and pull myself together to get back on to my stall. Ever since the day in the Botanical Gardens no matter where i am in Australia or Overseas, butterflies tend to find me. They are my connection to NEW LIFE.

Before Natasha found me I got a tattoo of a butterfly  to remind me of my baby girl as I will never forget her and if we never reunite she will always be with me.

Butterflies to me, mean New Life, New beginning………

Happy Birthday Tash 11.10.2011

 

11th October 2011 – Natasha Rose turns 31 today.

To my beautiful daughter Natasha. Happy 31st Birthday Groover. Enjoy your first Queensland Birthday in the great Sunshine Coast. I look forward to having lunch and a swim with you, your brother and Sister. How good does that sound?  Bloody awesome i reckon. I’m going to just jump in my car and drive up to see you and it will only take me 1 ½ hours not 2 days. Somebody pinch me!!!!!!!

OK – Just so you know. Natasha doesn’t do birthday cards. She doesn’t like to celebrate birthdays. So she tells me. Although we did a good job at your 21st ha ha. No serious. We have never really talked about why but this is what i think- Do you think because i gave you up that there is nothing to celebrate. I often wonder why you wouldn’t want or care about a birthday. If that is why then i do totally understand. I would love for you to explain your thoughts.

For me – Your Birthdays. Mmmm this was a tough one. Every year after you were born i would say happy birthday to you  in my prayers. Funny thing was i could never remember if it was the 11/10 or 10/11. I would always have to stop and think about it and work it out. Funny how your brain looses memories when you are suppressing a  trauma.  I remember when i first said to you when is your birthday 10/11 or 11/10? you nearly ripped my head off. Are you kidding me you said? Then i had to explain why i asked. We have come a long way since then.

I remember once driving in the car with Mum and I bravely said to her. Mum its Sheree’s birthday today. She smiled and said “is it.” Then nothing else was said. Only about 1 or 2 years later, I got that phone call.

I have a new struggle now that you are in my life. Birthdays. How do i fit. You had a mother and father that gave you everything you needed, where do i fit in? Is my birthday card going to matter. Is my present even going to be wanted. Where do I fit? What can i possibly give you – I don’t even know you – But your my daughter- F— This, Where do I fit. I guess it is easier to sit back and blend in. For the first time in my life I’m not in control, I am stuck, I don’t know where i fit into your life. But I’m your mum, i should fit, but where???? This question is still in my head this very day. Natasha and I deliberately miss each other’s birthdays. Belated is where we fit. Although this year, 2011 i get a present and a card from Natasha on my birthday date.  I was so excited i cried. The best part is to come, she gives me a woolly sheep warning me that the country girl is coming to the city. I laughed my head off.

Happy Birthday Tash, I love you very much.

Love Mum #2

Home without my baby

The first 6 weeks – So now I have the ability to change my mind. I’m back at work. Everyone at work had been told what i went through. They were all in shock and pretty much didn’t say anything. I am sure it was out of respect so they didn’t hurt me in any way. Really – WHAT DO YOU SAY????? Gloria was a lady i worked close with and she took me under her wings, for that i will always be eternally grateful. I had access to a counsellor for at least 4 visits. I would meet her in Anzac Square in Brisbane City for lunch and chat. She then told me that she couldn’t help me anymore as she had other people she needed to help that That Was That, that was the extent of the external help i got. I wasn’t able to talk to Mum or anyone, so i learnt to just say nothing. I threw myself into work and skating. I never did skate the same after her birth. My hips had changed and my coach lost confidence in me as i had lost my peak, this was the beginning of the end for my skating carrier. I was introduced to alcohol and drugs and this is how i suppressed my feelings. At age 19 i was sacked from my Insurance Job as i was now on Senior wages. My Boss arranged for me to live on Norfolk Island to do computer Data Entry and teach Roller Skating to the locals in their local Hall. I did that for 1 year and i returned Home. Life on Norfolk Island was very interesting. I was lucky enough to have a best friend Julianne a local and Pitcan descendant, i was then able to mix with the locals and we had the time of our lives. There was no TV we had to listen to Radio Australia. Cooked in Wood Fire Ovens. There was only 1 small electric generator for all the residents on the island so power failure was often. Again Drugs were a huge part of the young people’s lives so after 1 year i flew home to detox in away. So many Parties and Fish Fries. So many memories. If only i could open my eyes and see what opportunity was in front of me. No i had to take the long road didn’t I. As far as i knew my parents had no idea. I returned home, got a job to work for a Chiropractic Clinic at Corinda. I believe that this job saved my life. For the next 2-3 years i would be introduced to self motivation and NLP seminars that helped me become the person i am today. My lowest point was being in an abusive relationship. One night i thought i was going to die. I had a carving knife held to my neck being threatened of having my throat cut open. There was no reason only to much alcohol. What the hell is life for? I talk myself in out of this situation somehow i bolt out the back door i run until i get to the main road. I have low self esteem at this stage thinking that i don’t deserve any better, i am a used women, no decent man will want me bla bla bla…. I run onto a main road, Oxley Road,  I throw myself in front of a car, lucky for me it stops in time and i look up to find its a Police Car. O Shit. The 2 coppa’s got out of the car and drilled me for being so selfish and disrespectful. They told me to think of the driver and how it would off affected him.  I then realised that I had to make some life choices. I decide to leave Brisbane and Live and work in Airlie Beach as a computer typesetter. This is where i met Peter. I have known peter since i was 10 yrs old. We went to the same high school (Inala State High School) and after school we went to the same parties.

I was in Brisbane Christmas 1985 and went to a club with my girlfriend Noela and ran into Peter’s ex girlfriend whom proceeded to tell me that Peter was up in Airlie Beach on Holidays with another Friend of ours as they had broken up.  I told her that i was living up there now and that i was heading home tomorrow and i would try and catch up with them. Lucky me. When i was a teenager at the Skating Rink Fri. Night session i would always watch Peter sitting with the naughty kids on the outside of the Rink, drinking Beer and running amuck. I would say to myself that one day i was going to marry that boy. Peter was one of those cools kids that you just didn’t speak to unless you were in the IN GROUP of kids. I used to think he wouldn’t talk to me etc. Peter had no boundries at home and therefore could do whatever he liked. He was a street kid. .  Totally different to me.  I could not believe that opportunity was knocking for me.

So off course when i arrived back in Airlie i told my girlfriends that a couple of Brissy Guys were in town and that without a doubt they would be at the Pub. Yep i was right. They were playing marbles at the Airlie Beach Pub. We got together that night and have been together ever since.

Peter was unemployed (plasterer) had no car, no money and almost no clothes. I soon talk him into staying with me in Airlie and to try and look for work. He did. I gave him my push bike and told him to ask around job sites for work. He meets Brian Claydon who becomes one of his good friends. We lost Brian to Prostate Cancer  2009.

One night we were both rolling drunk and i decide that this is the Man i love and i need to tell him about my baby. I told him and he went off his head. Not at the fact that i gave birth but at the fact that i gave her up for adoption. The next morning i thought the relationship was going to be off or he won’t remember. He never said anything, so i didn’t either. Turns out he forgot. After a year of alcohol abuse and copious amounts of partying, Dr. Hamilton phones me up and offers me my job back. I am so lucky. I decide to leave Airlie and head back. Peter was unsure what he wanted to do, so he stayed behind. 6 weeks later he walks into work and surprises me by telling me that he has come back also and that he loves me. He has lined up work with his Brother In Law and another journey begins……… Do i tell him again??????

Pregnant for 9 months & nobody knew.

Ok now I’ve missed my 1st period. I didn’t think too much of it until i missed my next one. Well i was convinced that I’m not pregnant as i didn’t have sex… I always read Dolly Magazines as a young teenager, in my era our mothers didn’t talk to you about sex, periods or anything of that nature it was hush hush. Most of it you learnt in the school grounds talking with friends. Well Dolly mentioned in one of their issues that sometimes FIT girls/women might not have regular periods but may experience spotting. OK so I thought that was me. Another month went buy and still no period. Now I’m getting scared. I haven’t told anyone and I’m still training a lot. So now i think if i train harder I will fall and miscarry. Well another month went past and still no period. Now you’re thinking I must of had morning sickness. Well yes I did. Our toilet, shower and bath were all in the one room so i used to lock the door, turn on the shower and vomit in the toilet. Sometimes i would just vomit having a shower. Mum was a nurse and dad left for work early so 9 times out of 10 we were home alone to get ourselves to work and school. The worst thing i remember about being morning sick was I had to catch a bus and train to work every day. The bus was fine. Back in the late 70’s our trains were still the old red cattle trains i called them, the ones with the doors you had to open from the outside, the seats were bench seats, hard red/brown leather with everyone sitting knee to knee. I would get sick every train ride. I prayed so hard and so many times that I would not vomit on anyone. I never did. I would find a cabin that i could sit near a window for fresh air as this would help. The windows if they worked used to be wooden shutters that slide up and down. For those of you that remember them the carriages used to rock side to side as they rolled over the train tracks. So this motion used to make it worse. I travelled from Oxley to Brisbane Central. This took aprox. 45min or longer in those days as Electric Trains didn’t exist yet. When I got off at Central station i would bee hive to the corner Newsagents next to the Post Office and buy a Health Bar and this would settle my tummy. I can still smell that shop and hear the paper boys on every corner selling the latest addition of the Telegraph.

I would attend work without saying a word. I remember running to the toilets there to be sick as well, wondering when this is all going to stop. I used to fall asleep at my desk in my lunch hour as i couldn’t help but be so tied all the time. I used to say that i was tied from training so much. Well no one questioned me. OK so now my tummy is slightly showing. It was to my advantage that the Terry Toweling Track Suites were in fashion. The tops usually had elastic in the bottom and sat down over your thighs. You could even buy dressy ones to wear to work. YUK, the fashion in the late 70’s early 80’s were shocking, but to my favour. I wore jeans right to the end of my pregnancy, so they weren’t done up all the way but who would know, all my other pants and skirts had elastic waists. Maternity clothes were rare and obvious and disgustingly ugly I WAS NOT WEARING THEM. I just continued life completely ignoring my situation. I carried Natasha mostly through winter so was easy to hide. I was 3-4 months pregnant when i won the Queensland Championships. It was from then until August 1980 I found it the most difficult. I used to wear a half cut off leotard with a baggy shirt over the top to training. I guess I looked like a frumpy teenager going through a body change. Training was hard. My centre of gravity had changed, it was harder to spin and I was scared to jump. I had to work hard to rotate 203 times in the air and land on one foot. My bladder was being challenged as i was getting further into my pregnancy. I would we my pants all the time. I resorted to wearing pads as this would absorb any little accidents i would have when I was spinning but mainly when i was doing my jumps. When i landed i would wet every time. I even had a change of underwear to help go on as normal. No one ever said anything, I just continued like everyone else. The toilets used to be a hang out for us girls as we had a change room we used to talk to each other or we could talk to kids through the glass louvers connected to the swimming pool. So frequent visits were normal. In fact we used to hide from our coach in there to have a break from him ha ha.

I used to follow my mum’s health encyclopaedia so I knew where i was at with my pregnancy. The day i felt the flutters for the 1st time I will never forget. This made it all real. The book said that this was normal as i had no idea what was happening. I did look into an abortion but i had no way of getting to Sydney, paying for it and getting home. Besides it was easier to ignore it and hope it would go away. How immature was I? OK so i thought if i was to have this baby then i would adopt it out. How i made such an important decision ONLY GOD KNOWS. Mum and Dad still had no idea as through my whole pregnancy I would lay on my tummy. We had a big ‘Ol comfy lounge with cushions I could separate, put my tummy in there and rest. I thought pregnant people can’t lay on their tummy so mum wouldn’t ask questions. That’s exactly what happened. Well times ticking it’s August 1980 & I’ve got the Australian Rollerskating Championships to compete in. I usually had my costumes custom made but for the Queensland’s my dressmaker made comments about my body shape so I wasn’t going there. I settled for a second hand costume which i never had before from one of the larger girls that always had beautiful costumes. In those days our skirts on our leotard were not short but hung from your waist down over your bum (lucky me). I went on to win that year. I didn’t skate my best but still managed to pull it off. At the end of September I read that i was close to the end. I just had an innate feeling.  A couple of months earlier my coach said to mum that he thought i might be pregnant, so she makes and appointment with Dr. McCarthy to have a virginity test. He asked me if i was a virgin, I said yes, he gave me a sex talk and the visit was over. PHEWWW.  How lucky was i again. But NOW IT’S TIME to say something to Mum. I don’t remember her response only that she made an appointment for me to see Dr. Loth. We did. He palpated me, asked me questions and proceeded to tell mum that i was pregnant. She then asked how far did he think i was? His response was over 8 months. I can still see mums mouth wide open and the look of shock. I kept saying I can’t be, I can’t be i didn’t have sex. I explained to Dr. Loth what happened and he explained how it did unfortunately did happen. I told him then and there that I wanted to adopt this baby. Mum still motionless and in shock, not to mention that a couple of months earlier Dr. McCarthy told mum that i was still a virgin. Mum is standing in shock that her only daughter is pregnant, due in less than 4 weeks but also wants to give up her baby for adoption. What are we going to do. Mum said to me that she would race out and buy a cote etc whatever we needed. I said no, that i wanted to adopt the baby out. I can’t even remember the drive home. Mum did ask me who the father was, I just said you don’t know him and she still doesn’t.

Mum told dad later on and she told me that he was devastated and disappointed. Both that i was pregnant and that i wanted to adopt. That was to be the only Dr’s apt. I had in the whole 9 months. Imagine doing that today, no scans, no pokes, no prods, no student Dr’s having a look either. Looking back its a bloody miracle really. Well one morning I woke up and i knew it was time. I knew i was in Labour (the book told me so). I went into mums’ room and said i think it’s time. She just looked at me and said it’s only been 2 weeks do you think maybe it’s a false alarm. She rushed me into the car anyway. On our way to the Royal Brisbane Hospital which was on the other side of town for us my waters broke. What the hell was that all about? I started to cry and was in so much pain. Mum assured me it was OK i was so upset about doing this in the car how would we clean it up. Mum told me it was totally natural because i was with her i knew not to panic. Having her there was a huge comfort. When we arrived at the hospitals front door mum was yelling i was in labour and my waters had broke. I was rushed into a wheelchair and i could hear the nurse saying boy she must be premmy as she is so tiny. Little did she know. I was put into a birthing room and my legs were tied into stirrups. Wonderful invention – NOT. Man that was the worst experience, imagine having your legs spread up in the air for hours. They started to shake from the stress of everything and i couldn’t stop them. Thank god they don’t do that now. The Dr’s and nurses all knew ahead of time that this was a baby to be adopted. I was treated with Royalty really. To this day i appreciate that they put me into my own private room in the private ward to help me make my decisions. I was given an epidural to numb me from my waist down. I also had gas. I was so stoned and numb the birth wasn’t painful at all. Even when the Dr. Stitched me up he was impressed that i had no tearing and he only had to do a figure 8 stitch. So i was up walking around quite quickly.

After she was born all i remember was wanting  them to  slap her bum and to hear her cry from her first breath, just like in the movies. That is exacty what happened. I remember smiling to myself knowing that she was healthy and going to be alright. I remember feeling totally exhausted. They took my little 6 pound baby and put her in a humidicrib as they thought she was premmy. There was no patient history for them when i came in so not sure on timings.

Back in those days i could only see her but not touch her while she was in the humidicrib. Mum could only look through the glass window like the dads used to do. The next 7 days in hospital were the longest in my whole life. As i wasn’t breast feeding i had to try and dry up my milk naturally. To stop my milk coming in i had to have my breast bound with bandages. There were no drugs to take just a lot of those brown stretchy bandages wrapped around my breast so tight i could hardly breath. We would have to change them regularly because i would leak milk on them and they needed to be washed. They called this binding. I was bound for at least 1 month or 2. Yes I had to walk around and sleep with these bloody bandages on. Imagine having that. Well i did. I know it was for the best. It was.

After a day or 2 from giving birth i was asked to name my baby and I was told there was no guarantee the adopted parents would keep that name. After much thought and looking in magazines I found the name Sheree. My baby looked so pretty and petite; she looked like Sheree to me.

When I was little mum bought me a blue bird necklace, bracelet and ring. I thought i was a princess with my special jewellery and i wanted Sheree to have the same. So I asked mum to buy her a bluebird bracelet with her name engraved on it. We prayed that she would be given it by her adopted parents. Natasha still has it to this very day. I still have my Bluebird ring. I bought Ayrlie a Bluebird ring when she was little as well to carry on tradition for me.

As i was in a private ward we asked that all phone calls be barred to my room as no one was to know that I was there. Not even family members. I heard a rumour years later that some Skating mums did phone around to hospitals to find out if i had had a baby. To this very day NOBODY has said anything to me. 10 years later Mrs Ferris once asked if i had had a baby and I told her NO that must have been a rumour, she was the only one. Its day 7 and the nurse comes into my room to tell me that it’s time to go home and if i still wanted to go ahead with the adoption. I said yes. Then she asks me if i want to hold my baby as she is out of the humidicrib. Of course i wanted to hold her. Man that walk to the baby ward took hours. I was so nervous, I had never held a baby before, I didn’t want to drop her. I didn’t know what to do. I was just mesmerized by her beauty and her size. I ran my finger over her forehead and over her little cheeks. She opened her little eyes and i could see they were dark blue – Thanks god she has blue eyes (Just like me). I put my pinky finger into her tiny hands and looked at her beautiful  little fingers and hands. I then took off her booties and checked out her toes. She is just so small. I can’t believe she was in my tummy. I remember the tears rolling down my face as i looked up at my Mother watching me from the other side of the glass. Both of us hurting but had a respect for each other buy not saying a word. I kissed her and then the nurse told me that time was up and it was time to go. I handed her back to the nurse sobbing, saying my goodbyes i was escorted out and back to my room. I can’t even remember the trip home.

On my return to home skating friends were told that i had gone to a health camp for a couple fo weeks. My mum did tell my coach the truth so he could help me with my journey back into competition. Mum took my brother, foster sister and myself to the coast for a holiday to the beach for which i will always remember and appreciate as we didn’t have a lot of money back then even though I used to consider us the rich Inala Family. Which we were. What I remember most is the binding but when i was on the beach i was allowed to be free but come to the hotel the bandages were back on. 

I had a 6 week cooling off period. That meant that i could change my mind to keep baby Sheree during next 6 weeks. I would receive a phone call at home to tell them on my decision. That day the phone rang i just sat on mum’s bed and i didn’t answer the phone. All i could think of was giving this baby to  a couple and taking her off of them. How could i do that. It wasn’t until i met Sandra and she showed me photos of Sheree in a Foster home. What the Hell. They didn’t tell me she would be in a foster home. To this very day i wonder if i knew that, would i have changed my mind. I feel liked i was tricked in a way.

Well now i have to return to work and get on with life. In my lunch breaks i would walk around Brisbane City looking into peoples prams wondering if that baby was mine…..

I fell pregnant without having sex!!!!!! Just call me Mary

OK so you all want to know how i fell pregnant without having sex…. grab a coffee or a Vodka and read on.

I’m 16 years old just left year 11 as a got accepted to attend the Albion Tafe Secretary  College, only a small number of girls were accepted to attend this college so i was very happy. I was only there for a couple of months as i got a job in Brisbane City working as a junior for an Insurance Broker – MCN Insurance. For me this is the dream job i always wanted. I wanted to be a secretary and this was my foot in the door. Mostly everyone in Inala worked for Huttons Meat Works or Woolworths. I wanted a better job than that. Well i was attending Tafe when i first fell pregnant, so when i started working in the city i was already pregnant but really in denial.

OK OK so you want to know the nitty gritty. Well like i mentioned before i was an Australian Figure Roller Skating champion for the Inala Roller Skating Rink and we were always raising money for the competitors to travel to championships. We held many a car wash, all night skates and the occasional  Car Rally.

It was a Car Rally this week end, destination Car Brook swimming hole at Mt. Cotton. Anyone could participate in the rally of course the more people the more money we raised. Well there was this boy who was not a competitor but very popular at regular session skates at Mount Gravatt Roller Skating Rink. (By the way when i was 13years old i was the first to skate on this rink and was featured in the Courier Mail. Who would believe 3 years later i would be pregnant). When ever i was aloud to go to Mt. Gravatt sessions i would watch him as he was Mr. Popular and i thought he was so cool. He wasn’t even good looking but was a real charmer. Well i was told this particular day at Car Brook that he had his eyes on me and wanted to be with me. I couldn’t believe it. This was totally out of the blue.

OK so we get together kissing, hugging, pashing. I can still feel those tingles through my body. I was shaking from nerves. Soon i find myself with his hands down my pants and mine down his. As i 16 years  old i’m feeling pretty good right now. (Remember those days). Alot of feelings running through my body. I remember thinking, What am i doing?, I don’t really know this guy – but i’m having fun right. What is going to happen? Are we now boyfriend or girlfriend? We didn’t even really talk to each other. Just straight into muckn around.

Well the next thing i know he has pushed my pants to the side and has his penis was up against my vagina. What the hell – I’m not ready for this – I kept saying no and he kept saying yes. I was happy with the foreplay for now, god i just met him today. He tried and tried to stick his penis up me but i just couldn’t do it. I remember feeling the head of his penis right there and i pushed him away.

Well he wasn’t happy with that result. Got the shits  and he just left me there. He never talked to me for the rest of that day or from then on.

So where exactly were we? We were in the lake with everyone else. MY GOD you would think the water would have washed it away. O NO – It stuck that bloody sticky stuff to my skin didn’t it. I tried to wash myself clean but to no avail.

I was not on the Pill and of course a condom wasn’t even an option.

The next thing i know i have missed my first period.

Well i never saw a doctor and my mother didn’t know i was pregnant until i was 8 months pregnant. I went on to win the Queensland and Australian Roller Skating Championships within the 9 months of being pregnant. How you might ask did i do that. Well you will have to wait for my next blog.

Until Then – IF ITS NOT ON – ITS NOT ON.

Vivienne

My Oprah Winfrey moment

One afternoon i happen to turn the TV on and Oprah Winfrey is talking to 3 girls sitting on stools. It so happens that these girls had been adopted at birth and they were trying to find their birth mothers. It seemed that they were wanting answers to some personal questions.

I watched and listened to them with intent and one girl really touched me as she was sobbing her eyes out as her birth mother had a veto on her – Meaning that she could not contact her birth mother. All she wanted was to ask her mother some personal questions relating to health issues etc. She claimed to not want to be a big part in her birthmother’s life but just wanted to know a little about her history.

Well you guessed it, I to had a veto on my child contacting me. MMMM i thought. Doing some maths in my head i thought well Sheree would be turning 18 and should be past the horrible 16-17 year old stage. If that was me i would want to know. You see, i would have never tried to look for Sheree as it was one thing giving her up for adoption and i couldn’t stand another negative if she had a veto on me so it was best for me not to know. So i go down to my local post office in Corinda and fill out the forms to lift the veto. 6 weeks later i get THAT PHONE CALL.

A decision to be made

At aged 17 my waters broke in the car as my mother was rushing me to the Royal Brisbane Hospital in Brisbane October 11, 1980. I had made the decision to adopt my baby as i was only 17, a single mother, and had dreams of representing Australia as a champion Figure Roller Skater. I would have had to raise my baby at home with my parents and brother and foster sister this was not the life i had pictured for myself. I had watched many of the girls in my school become single parents and life was not easy for them. I was not going to become another statistic. In 1980 we did not have a baby bonus, no help with housing just embarassement and shame to your immediate family as for the PILL i needed to have had a letter of concent from my parents so i could protect myself from falling pregnant, Can you believe that?. Abortions were done legally in Sydney,  NSW, I couldn’t get there so i looked at back yard options in Brisbane. The thought of not surviving or having permanent future problems scared me to death so the only option left for me was to adopt. I believed that my baby needed a mother and father to have a better life. At least that was what we were lead to believe – RIGHT. Well in my case this is what she got. A wonderful mother and father that raised her in DUBBO NSW and renamed her Natasha Rose. I share this with you with no regret, I believe i made the right decision.

Let the story begin.

My Birth Mother Journey

Birth Mother – someone who has given birth to a baby and given that baby up for adoption.

I invite you to follow my journey as I share my life experience as a “Birth Mother”. At the age of 17, I was an Australian Champion Figure Roller Skater, raised in Inala, in a housing commission, low socio-economic area in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. I was young, ambitious and had plans for my life. My parents did not make me adopt out my baby girl, it was entirely MY DECISION.

As days, weeks, months and years went on it was ‘taboo’ to speak about her birth and my mother encouraged me never to talk about her for 18 years. Until that bright, sunny day when I received a phone call asking if I was her mother. As I had never told anyone about her before, I knew it couldn’t be a prank so I asked, “What did I name you?” Her response was, “You named me Sheree”.