SECRET – Poem by Vivienne Timmermans

I have a secret

For 18 years I have never told

Of the baby i birthed

At just 17 years old.

A baby girl put up for adoption

This was not my parent’s decision

It was my 1st option

At 22 I meet a man.

Fall in love as deep as one can.

I tell my secret when we are drunk

He is not happy – mad as a skunk

No one knows my secret

Not my friends not my brother

The only ones to know

Was my father and mother.

For 18 years I buried my secret

Then one day a phone call just for me

While i was standing preparing tea.

Hello Vivienne, is this you

I think your my birth mother

STOP – WAIT – SILENCE  – Yes I SAY

I now have no secret

I can tell the world

Except my husband

Happy he is not

I have changed our world with this secret of mine

He told me our marriage

Would have never of been

If i had come clean.

2 years later and how am i feeling

Still coping with the mood shifts and dealings.

If you think you love someone

And that they are your sole mate

Tell them your secret

Or one of you will hate.

Poem by Vivienne Timmermans – “God Knows”

I give birth to a baby 

I’m a young girl

Not a lady

Adoption is my answer 

to save you

from my circumstance

I pray one day

we will meet

for a reunion dance

Goodbye, Goodbye

my baby girl

Goodbye

18 years has past

you find me and

phone me fast

My world is

forever changed

My husband becomes enchained

My daughter and son

have gained a sister

an extra one

Did I make the right decision

GOD KNOWS!!!!

Mothers Day as a Birth Mum – May 2012

I  wasn’t Natasha’s mum. I really am “THE BIRTH MUM”. So  i have come to accept that after 13 years i am still finding my place.

As a Birth Mum this is another day that effects us. Mothers Day. Every year after Tash was born i would say quietly to myself. “Happy Mother’s Day Viv”. I wonder what she is giving her mum today. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder if she is happy.

For the children whom are adopted and wonder if your mothers ever think of you. I can guarantee that they do every time it is Easter, Mothers Day, Your Birthday, Our birthday and Christmas just to name the times we are literally forced to think of you, not to mention the times we bump into a child your age at that time and are left wondering, or when we are at a shopping centre and see other mothers with children about the same age you would be at that moment or when visiting friends and family that have had children that would now be your age. So many times, so many times.

Most times it will be silent thoughts, non spoken but deep and true thoughts. If you have never contacted your birth mum and i know you stop and think and ask yourself “Does she ever even think or care about me? I believe in my heart, 99% honestly do. It’s how we deal with it as individuals is when you get a different result.

I know there are Birth Mums that do not want to have contact with the adopted Child. I believe it is not that she doesn’t care about you, but that the Birth Mother has been so hurt from loosing you that to be a part of your life can be just as painful because we are forced to face all those emotions all over again. IT IS NOT PRETTY I CAN TELL YOU.

Why is it, that the Birth Mother is always the afterthought? A singlemother in my generation was frowned upon, bought shame, a fluzy, a slut. Hang on a minute. Aren’t we the ones that have done one of the most wonderful things that a human being can do. GIVE UP OUR BABY to someone else just so they can have a better life. Just because society forces us to. So i ask you, why were we to be punished?

Mothers Day – God bless all those women and young girls who have given birth, and to the Birth Mothers who have  given up their babies to enrich other peoples lives so they can be blessed and have a lifetime of mothers days and also God bless those mothers who have had to deal with infant death.

Mothers Day is a happy celebration for most but spare a thought for those with much silent sadness.

Mothers Day – Happy Mothers Day.

Family Portrait by Natasha Rose April 2012

Pictures were taken in the park the day we met. Pictures taken the whole time I was with Viv’s family. I can remember being snap happy like a Asian tourist that week.  I can’t remember how many rolls of Film I took home. I have a feeling too that we had some developed in Brisbane while we were there as everyone wanted pictures sooner rather than later.

We have some amazing pictures when I look back at them now. Funny ones of our Arses, Crying, playing with the Kids and just random things like eating toast in Viv’s Kitchen. I guess who ever took that one needed to prove yes I was actually standing in her kitchen that day hahaha.

I remember being at home with mum and dad looking through all the pictures and showing my dad as he wasn’t there when we met.  Thinking about it I don’t ever remember asking mum what they thought. Do I look like Viv? How do they Feel  now that I have these photos?

I finally got my Picture to put up on the wall of me looking like somebody. I actually got that family portrait that I so wanted so I could see who created me. Weird to think all I wanted is to look like somebody.  I guess it’s a feeling that I can’t explain. The only people that will understand that is other Adopted persons.

It was only this Easter that I stayed at Nola and Ray (Nana and Pops) that for the first time EVER!

After 12 years of the relationship with Vivienne, I have never stayed there nor been to their home. Weird I know. Actually I was very nervous. I had a dream couple of nights before that they took my car keys and my purse and locked me in this room so I couldn’t leave. I remember crying and screaming but no one could hear me.  When I was telling my mum about this she talked about the day we met Nola and Ray and the impression that always remained in my mind when Nola said to my mum, ‘thanks for brining her home’

I guess after 12 years I never really got over that until now.

Nola and Ray showed me proudly the pictures of my grandparents and Great grandparents from both Nola and Ray sides.  Seeing pictures from the 1800’s was so impressive it just blew me away thinking about them. Chloe was so intrigued about the generations. She couldn’t believe it either. It’s nice that Chloe is at the age where she now understands family generations.

Looking around the table that night I could see bits of resemblance from these people in all of us. The weirdest things knowing that this is my Blood line and strange enough Chloe’s as well.

Chloe and I learn that we have Nola’s thick Hair. OMG after all these years we have complained about how we have been ripped on in having Crappy thick hair, the person in the generation to blame was sitting at the same table as us.. HAHAHAHAHA!

Mum had photos of her grandparents and my Dads Parents, but to me there wasn’t any emotional attachment for me. I can’t explain that feeling either. I was always interesting to look at those photos to see where mum and Dad came from but it didn’t relate to any features or traits that I have.

As I write this I look over to the family photo of Mum and Dad and feel the love for the life I have now but now I can now look over to the photo with Ayrlie, Liam and Viv and I now have that Closer.  I can see where I came from. I have the answers; I also now know blood line history. If the only pictures I ever would have gotten were the day in the Park due to Viv not wanting to see me, I would have been happy. However what I have now in my photo collection is truly a gift.

Thankyou

Nowra, NSW the end of our first journey….

Sun 27.6.1999 – NOWRA, NSW.

Well we are up out of bed enjoying brekky – Sandra made us porrage, sitting overlooking a beautiful clear morning overlooking the ocean. Within a short while the Dolphins came swimming by. Perfect. Sandra is taking the kids and I for a drive to Nowra – Where her sister Margaret lives sho also adopted a girl named Cathy. We meet and had lunch – Seafood with them. What beautiful people. I see Margaret as an important key to the success of the Sense family. I would love to spend more time with them. I could talk for hours and hours with them. We then ventured back to Batemans Bay. Its about a 2 hour trip. OH – We stopped off at the shopping mall for Sandra to look at Pots and Pans for Tash. Yes – Here we are in the middle of nowhere and the shops are open all day on a Sunday. Brisbane really needs to catch up. Well Liam slept most the way back. When we got back, Jason and Tash had cleaned up the yeard and cooked us a roast dinner YUM YUM!

Sandra and I both sat up and watched a movie on tape that we fell asleep watching the night before. I think we just both couldn’t sleep tonight as we know that tonight is our last night together. We head back to Dubbo in the morning and the kids and I head for Brissy! YEAH – I’m ready to sleep in MY BED so i can stretch out in comfort. It has gone fast. We have done so much in one week. No one would believe we could fit that much in. Now i feel totally at peace. My gap truly filled. To sleep in the room that Tash grew up in. To stay in the house/home in which she was raised. To reach out and be accepted by her parents as a good person makes me feel very proud of all of us.

I forgot to mention that Sandra drove me to MOGO a little town that sells arts and crafts etc. Alot like Mt. Tamborine. There i bought Tash a Rose Quartz and a Stainless butterfly. The Quartz for Love and butterfly for rememberance (a new life).

Well the night has come to an end.

GOOD NIGHT – SEE YA IN THE MORNING

Mon 28th June 1999 – BOUND FOR DUBBO then BRISBANE

Well what a holiday we have had. THE BEST. I can’t believe we are coming to an end. Sandra and Bruce, Tash and Jason really know how to show friends a good time. Well i feel like i have known the Sense family for years. Yet we are strangers in a way. I have only met Sandra twice and Tash 3 times. I believe my baby was an act of GOD. He has surely looked over me these years to help me stay sane. I have always felt someone over my shoulder. I still look at Tash and wonder – What If? – But really that is unfare. I’m sitting outside admiring the view when Tash starts playing the organ. The Theme from “Titanic” Well i just start crying. Uncontrollably. My god she is a fantastic organ player. Then she plays “All i ever wanted I Give to you” Well I’m still blubbering. I can’t look at Sandra and she can’t look at me. I gather Sandra is having a cry also. I’m crying because this beautiful gift of music Tash has may have never have been if i raised her. Sandra is crying because she doesn’t hear her music at home any longer as her little girl has left home and taken her music with her. Well Tash finishes playing and wonders why we are blubbering. Then she goes off with Jason to pick up a part for the car. That would be right “Typical”. Well Sandra and I pack ready for when Jason comes back. Before I know it it’s 11am and we are in the car bound for Dubbo, we should arrive around 4pm.

Well off we go – I notice our fuel is low – Remember the fuel gauge doesn’t work on Sandra’s car. We decide to fuel up after the turn off out of Batemans Bay. We are on empty. The little fuel pump stop was closed due to a funeral. I look at Sandra and she says no worries we should have enough to get us to the next town. Through the rangers we go and half way the fuel light comes on. I tell Sandra, yet she is not concerned. I remember Peter telling me ge got 20km in our car and didn’t run out after the light comes on.  The sign says B40

My gut says we are going to run out of fuel. Well we get ¾ through the rangers and on a tiny road the car snuffs. Cuts out. I say to Sandra – Well we have just run out of fuel. Well the look on Sandra’s face was to die for. She was in shock “What do you mean?” she says. I mean “We have no fuel” Meanwhile 2 trucks are trying to fit around us. Sandra hops out and goes us off the road a little. She still doesn’t believe me. She then says to me. Just start her up. There might have been a blockage or something. I personally think she is mad, so i turn the key & bugger me dead it starts. Quick jump in we may be able to roll the rest of the way. Well we made it out of the rangers, I see a sign B20. Well was i glad about that then befor i knew it – PUTT PUTT PUTT BLARRR – The car really does run out of fuel. This time. We are not going no-where. Well I quickly sum up our options. WE NEED FUEL.

Before Sandra can get out of the car I have thumbed a lift to the next town for fuel. Thank heavens it was a lady and her dog willing to give us a lift. I don’t really know what i would have said if it was a man. The kids and I stay with the car while Sandra goes with the lady into town for fuel. I imagine her to be gone for 1 hour max. So the kids and i have a pee, drink and play. We are in WOOP WOOP. Nothing but acres and acres of farm land with Sheep inside with electric fenses. Well 20min later Sandra is back. The lady who picked her up brought her back. What a life saver. It turns out that she has done the same thing, Underestimated the ranges and she too has run out of fuel. So there – We are not the only ones – All i can do is laugh. I can’t believe we ran out of fuel. Well after splashing ½ the fuel can over me we head off to fill up YEAHHHH A full tank.

We the kids and I returned home safely and Sandra and I still laugh about this story till this very day.

GOOD TIMES

Canberra/Batesmans Bay 25-26 June 1999

Fri 25.6.1999

CANBERRA/BATEMANS BAY

2am Bruce takes Peter to the bus stop. It feels really strange saying goodbye to him again. It is true that distance makes the heart grow stronger. I go back home but can’t go back to sleep. As today we head off for Canberra and then Batemans Bay. Man have we done some miles. Who would ever think soon we would be standing in Canberra. It’s only 4-5 hour drive. Soon we are packed and ready to go. All the kids are in Tashs car ha! ha!. We stopped at Cowra half way to swap driving. Liam came with us. Sleep time – You beauty. Tash gets out and starts screaming CHIM CHIMINEY grrrr (ha ha)

Well we arrive in Canberra in time for some lunch. We stop at a cafe on the river with the huge water spray fall. We then move onto Parliament House – VERRYYY IMPRESSIVE. The entire foyer is made from marble. I would love to spend some time here without the kids. There is a lot of history, information, theatre rooms that you can sit in. Also a guided tour around the house that would be interesting. However the trip was worth it as the Green Room was in session. So we got to go in and see how things happen and I saw a few common faces. They were discussing GST. More like debating the GST – Sandra and I could have sat there all day however we had the kids with us. The security we had to go through just to get in and out was alarming. I guess you can justify it in a way. Well we are finished in Canberra and set off for Batemans Bay. I can’t wait to see what Natasha’s place looks like. After 3 hours of driving through beautiful countryside and ranges we arrive in Batemans Bay. What a beautiful place Tash has.

Open, modern, lovely furniture and a view to die for. Overloooking the complete bay without a tree in sight. The dolphins swim in front of us morning and afternoon and the birds are wonderful. Sandra bought them a book of birds so when we spot one we can look it up and tick it off in the book. Mind you we showed more interest in the book than Tash and Jason. Well it’s getting late and Jason cooks up Spag Bog. Ayrlie won’t eat it only plain pasta, only likes Daddy’s pasta. We set up our beds and hit the sack. It’s been a long day. I’m exhausted.

SAT 26.6.1999

Murrumarang Resort – Batemans Bay NSW Australia

Well last night it poured rain. I left Ayrlies stinky shoes outside and they got sagged. We need to go into Batmans Bay to do some food shopping and Ayrlie had to wear a pair of Natasha’s Shoes so I could take her to buy her some new shoes. The kids are driving me nuts so I separate Cody (Jason’s son) for a while. Liam and Ayrlie are really going troppo. The excitement of travel and going away is driving them fruity. We go home and unpack our shopping then have some lunch and then jump back into the cars for a driving tour. We go to a couple of wonderful look outs then to the “Far away Tree” Ayrlie loved it. These trees were amazing. There is a Tarzan swing inside for kids to swing on. Ayrlie loved it she made Tarzan sounds as she swung around. You could tell her adrenalin was racing. We look at some amazing houses and property and new estates going up. This little town reminds me of how Pottsville (NSW) was in the 1980’s. Home we go and we decide on Pizza, Garlic Bread and Diet Coke. DELISH – YUM YUM. This is the 1st takeaway dinner we have bought all trip. Man was that Pizza good. Liam even ate around 3 pieces.

OOPS! I forgot the resort Tash worked at. The kangaroos around her are roaming the streets like cats and dogs. They hop around the neighbourhood in and out of yards. The kids can go up and pat and feed them. It really is incredible. I have never seen anything like it before. Peter would love it here. I can’t wait to share Batemans Bay with him. It’s only 2hrs from Sydney. Tash and Jason have told him to come down for a weekend. I think I should push him to do it. Great fishing in Batemans Bay too. I watched boats go out and in constantly during our stay. Well tomorrow Sandra is driving me and the kids to Nowra to meet her sister Margaret and her daughter Cathy whom she adopted. I wish Tash would come. I guess we are all tired of travelling. But stil, I wished she would come. I should have asked her myself. Never mind.

Until then – GOOD NIGHT.

Dubbo City 22.6.1999

Tues 22.6.1999

Well Peter, I and the kids are spending a day together in Dubbo City, we pay a few bills and Peter spots the Heart Disease van and promises me to have the tests done. Well 20min later the nurse is instructing me to take him straight to hospital as she is worried about his results. Well we drop the kids off to Tash and Jason and off to hospital we go. Peter has some blood tests done and a cardiograph. Then off for some x-rays to check the size of his heart. I have to pull myself together and stop myself from crying. I can see peter is a little anxious. Then they tell us they want him to stay in overnight OH MY GOD – Peter has never stayed in a hospital before and here he is in Dubbo Base Hospital as a in patient. Peter is supposed to leave for Sydney tonight but not now. I have to ring to get him an open ticket back. Well did our day change. I go home to have a roast dinner with the Sense Family and then take the kids up to see Daddy. Back home we go. It feels really strange leaving peter behind laying in hospital. Well they want to do further blood tests and a stress test in the morning. It is lucky that Peter is in a country hospital he got good food and treatment.

SWEET DREAMS

Wed. 23.6.1999

Peter rings us at 9.30am is allowed to come home. We go up there and the sister won’t release him as they are waiting on results. Back home I go then at 11am Peter rings – says he can come home, up we go again to pick him up. This time the Dr. Won’t let him go, said another ½ hour. I have to go back home as Sandra is taking me to Denis’s home for lunch today. So off I go again and arrange for Tash and Jason to pick him up at 12pm. What a beautiful home Denise has. Magnificent. Well Denise has made a beautiful Tuna quesh and salad. Served in a beautiful dinning room with the best china and silver. I felt like royalty. We had a lot in common as Denise is a massage therapist and is studying cranial, sacral technique. She is also a very spiritual person. After a beautiful lunch we mozzy out into her massage room. A set up to die for. With an electric bed, desk, change area – Just perfect. Denise hopes to change her magnificent home into a B & B. I pray her dreams come true. Meanwhile at 1.30pm Peter calls. He is still in hospital. By this time he is jacked off. So he walks out. Just discharges himself. When Sandra and I get home peter was home. But needs to follow up tests when back in Brisbane. PHEW

Thurs 24.6.1999

Yeah, Peter is still in town but will leave tonight at 2am. Tash took me up to her school – Dubbo Christian School and showed me around. Wow what a big school. Excellent hall. Tash introduces me as her birth mum to her teachers and headmaster Mr. Sheerman.  I was proud as we walked around meeting people. We head back home and Sandra whips me away to meet Cathy. Peter just looks at me and says now where are you going? I answer Darling “you’re enjoying quality time with your children” then off i go again. Cathy  owns a lovely house in Dubbo, we chat all about our reunion. It is strange as everyone here in Dubbo new Tash was adopted and wanted to meet her birth mother so I was the person everyone wanted to meet. I ponder if i am at all anything they imaged me to look or be like. Natasha says she had no image of what i would be like. I guess i can say the same. There are too many questions you ask yourself to come up with and answer to have any images. Well we are off back home again. Tomorrow we set off to Canberra and Batemans Bay……

You are the Light – Our 21st Wedding Anniversary 16th March 2012

Well today we celebrate 21 years of marraige. It has been a journey and a half. When we took our vows we took them seriously. For better and for worse. Richer or Poorer. We also promised each other that we would grow old together, forever. When Natasha entered our lives these vows were truely put to the test.

Alot of people don’t really listen to those vows and don’t really hear what the words mean, however we did. We worked through this huge challenge and i am very proud to say that we have been together for 26 eventfuly years.

The wedding song i chose was You Are The Light (of my dark world) by Lone Justice was a  song that had a deep meaning for me as you were truly a light in my dark world that i kept a secret. Thankyou with my heart for standing my me Peter i truly love you.

Here’s to many more!!!!!!!!

 

YOU ARE THE LIGHT

You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
Oh how you shine in my time of darkness

Oh how you shine when everything seems hopeless

You know how to help me when I can’t stand on my own

Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
Oh how you shine in my time of indecision

Oh how you shine, gonna give this girl some vision

You know how to let go when I can’t stand on my own Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world

You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
You know how to let go when I can’t stand on my own Don’t let go now
You are the light in my dark world You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world
You are the light in my dark world You are the fire that will always burn

You are the light, you are the light You are the light in my dark world

– Lone Justice

Western Plains Zoo – Dubbo NSW 21-6-1999

Mon 21-6-1999

Western Plains Zoo.

Up and at it again today. We are off to the famous Western plains Zoo. Ayrlie and Liam have never been to a Zoo before and I am looking forward to sharing their excitement when seeing an elephant, giraffe, tiger etc for the very 1st time. I expect the zoo to be similar to Melbourne Zoo. Sandra has packed a picnic lunch for us all. Off we go – WOW what a Zoo

Nothing like Melbourne  – More like a Safari with all outdoor animals. Tash said she wanted to drive around – I think she is just lazy. Boy wasn’t  I wrong – Man am i glad we are driving around. This place is HUGE. You really feel like your on a safari. The kids are loving it. Liam gets excited over the Zebra’s. We move on and ½ way stop for lunch in a lovely park watching the monkeys. After gauging ourselves silly we are to lazy to continue, off we go to complete the track. We venture into the Koala park, we are eye to eye with a mother and her baby – I didn’t know that mother Koalas had a pouch for their babies. The baby went snuggling inside and disappeared. Off we go to the souvenere shop to buy the kids a treat. We return back home exhausted. Peter and I book a motel for the night HUBBA!  HUBBA! The kids stay with us and are excited as this is their 1st time they have stayed in a hotel. They played in the shower, layed around in the beds and watched T.V. We bought some groceries for Brekky. What a great night sleep in the Queen Size Bed – Warm and snug. Well Peter is to leave Tuesday night so we make the most of our time together. I’m sure Sandra and Bruce neded to have a break from us as well.

Good night

Dirty Blood – A story from Natasha

Dirty Blood

Children come in to this world by no choice but by the mother that carries them.

For me I came into this world with no understanding of why was I a child of adoption.

Did I do something wrong?

Was I a mistake?

The only book I clung onto as kid that explained these answer was a book Called ‘Why was I adopted?’ by Carole Livingstone

 

Living life as an adopted child wasn’t easy. Yes I did have amazing parents and was given everything that my parents could give, underneath there were some sad and emotional times that I had no answer for.

 

I grew up in a family where Adoption was accepted by most of the family. I guess my only angers lies with my mum’s parents. My dad’s parents had already passed long before I came into this world.

 

My Mums mother Margaret. I never had so much dislike for a Human. It started when I was little and eventually grew into something I can’t explain.

‘Don’t put your hand in the biscuit jar’.. She would say to me in this most annoying loud galah voice.

‘Don’t sit or touch anything’,..why is your Daughter so ungrateful’? I could go on and on.

These are some of thing I would here from the women that was suppose to me my grandmother. The one person I thought my mum could rely on and have support from especially when she couldn’t  have children. Oh no not this women, Margaret was a unit on her own. Selfish, cold hearted and just not a nice lady.

I HATED her.. I remember at the age of 10 I would hang in the park across the road from her flat as I didn’t want to go near her. I actually have a memory of my Dad and I carving into a large tree trunk with his pocket knife our initials and a Love heart around it. Still to this day 20 years on that tree still stands and has aged still baring our days in that park.

 

Most grand kids hung with their Nan and pop doing amazing things like cooking and sleep over’s, not me.. the moment mum said were going to Parks (where she lived) I would carry on like a bitch. I hated going there, I hated the smell of her, I hated hearing her voice.

Even thinking about her now I have so much anger and frustration.

I was Dirty blood.

 

I remember one Christmas age about 10, she was handing out her gifts to the grand children, mind you I think at the time there was like 12 of us and I remember saying..”I don’t want your gift this year Margaret, I have enough hankies’.

This is pretty much what I received every year off her while I watched other grandchildren received awesome gifts. Anyway you can imagine the response.  It was hard at that age watching my cousins get Barbies and all sorts of things while Soap and hankies was my gift year after year after year.

Yes there was a grandfather. Frank was his name. He never spoke to me or did anything. I guess he was so over ruled by this woman he just did as he was told. Not much to tell really but at the age of 80 something he died.

 

My mum did everything she could to try to ignore what was going on as a child. Mum eventually supported my frustration and stopped forcing me to go and visit Margaret and Frank. Mum never questioned my dislike and never forced any contact with them through my later years.

Mum knew..

 

I can’t imagine what that must have been like for mum. How can you cherish an adoption opportunity and have it totally rejected by her own parents. All the emotions that mum buried inside her for all those years. Surely there must have been something burning inside her to tell them off.

Nope.. she’s the peace keeper in the family.

In the same family there were other adopted cousins in the family that was also treated like Dirty blood. Still to this day we laugh about it and just shake our heads to that strange woman.

 

Margaret and Frank where never invited to our wedding nor welcome in my house. I just could not bring myself to let her in my home. I could honestly count on my hands the amount of times I actually said hello to her. Mind you sometimes I ran into her and didn’t say anything at all.

 

 

Over the years I never spoke to her. Barely said Hello and I never visited her. She died in her 80’s and I didn’t even go to her Funeral.  At first I hated mum taking Chloe to visit her. Why should this woman have the privilege of watching my daughter blossom and have her talk to her like Clean blood. Not sure why I let her I guess it was more for my mum’s sake.

I guess it was a weird feeling knowing my mum ached inside as she watched both her Father and mother eventually die of Cancer and whatever Margaret Died of..

I was there for mum and I always asked the question of how she was feeling, NOT how was your mother or father. I didn’t care.

The times when mum was told that her parent had passed was hard for her. I comforted her and hugged her close just because I know what it’s like to lose a parent. Inside of me was a very bad soul saying .. Thank GOD he finally took them.

As I said before there is more about mums parents that isn’t for this Blog.

 

School yard bully was slight for me. I was a sporty, outgoing popular kid at school. I was never bullied in high school. For those of you that knew me I would of smacked your face in at the time..

Hahaha I have slowed down now. However there were moments in School I do remember a particular teacher talking to the class about Adoption. Not even sure why..

But this teacher was adamant that you buy babies. So I was bought!.  How could you put a price on a baby? I never forget the day I got so angry at her and I threw a chair at her. When I was marched into the principal’s office he then explained to her that I was adopted and I am sure that Natasha would know about the processes for Australian law. That teacher was never the same again with me. I guess she too had a thing for Dirty Blood.

From that day, kids had something to throw at me. Taunts of: $1 sale, how much where you sold for?, Was it to pay for your mums white powder?, or her cab ride home from the pub where she met your dad, or to pay back her Doctor for birthing you, your mums so fat she could have babies that’s why she bought you, so on so on

This went on and on over 12 months. Yes it did hurt my feelings. Sometimes I cried in the toilets when I was alone or on my way home after I got off the bus. I never led on to my parents what the kids where saying at School. But they did know about me throwing the chair.

I loved my parents. I was born and raised to not look at the physical features of a person but the story that person holds on the inside.

Gosh we were only 13ish for god sake. How can these Kids really understand what they were saying? It was times like that I had anger for being a Child of Dirty Blood let’s call it. I really couldn’t answer them. What if really my mum did pay for me and she never told me. How much am I worth?

If my birth mother wanted me back what would my mum sell me for.. could this really happen?

 

Mum is it true???

As I still clung to my book ‘why was I adopted’ was my only refuge at that stage until I get my answers from my birth mother myself.