Happy Birthday Tash 11.10.2011

 

11th October 2011 – Natasha Rose turns 31 today.

To my beautiful daughter Natasha. Happy 31st Birthday Groover. Enjoy your first Queensland Birthday in the great Sunshine Coast. I look forward to having lunch and a swim with you, your brother and Sister. How good does that sound?  Bloody awesome i reckon. I’m going to just jump in my car and drive up to see you and it will only take me 1 ½ hours not 2 days. Somebody pinch me!!!!!!!

OK – Just so you know. Natasha doesn’t do birthday cards. She doesn’t like to celebrate birthdays. So she tells me. Although we did a good job at your 21st ha ha. No serious. We have never really talked about why but this is what i think- Do you think because i gave you up that there is nothing to celebrate. I often wonder why you wouldn’t want or care about a birthday. If that is why then i do totally understand. I would love for you to explain your thoughts.

For me – Your Birthdays. Mmmm this was a tough one. Every year after you were born i would say happy birthday to you  in my prayers. Funny thing was i could never remember if it was the 11/10 or 10/11. I would always have to stop and think about it and work it out. Funny how your brain looses memories when you are suppressing a  trauma.  I remember when i first said to you when is your birthday 10/11 or 11/10? you nearly ripped my head off. Are you kidding me you said? Then i had to explain why i asked. We have come a long way since then.

I remember once driving in the car with Mum and I bravely said to her. Mum its Sheree’s birthday today. She smiled and said “is it.” Then nothing else was said. Only about 1 or 2 years later, I got that phone call.

I have a new struggle now that you are in my life. Birthdays. How do i fit. You had a mother and father that gave you everything you needed, where do i fit in? Is my birthday card going to matter. Is my present even going to be wanted. Where do I fit? What can i possibly give you – I don’t even know you – But your my daughter- F— This, Where do I fit. I guess it is easier to sit back and blend in. For the first time in my life I’m not in control, I am stuck, I don’t know where i fit into your life. But I’m your mum, i should fit, but where???? This question is still in my head this very day. Natasha and I deliberately miss each other’s birthdays. Belated is where we fit. Although this year, 2011 i get a present and a card from Natasha on my birthday date.  I was so excited i cried. The best part is to come, she gives me a woolly sheep warning me that the country girl is coming to the city. I laughed my head off.

Happy Birthday Tash, I love you very much.

Love Mum #2

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6 responses

  1. I just don’t like birthdays .. I haven’t like them since I was 21.. Not because I road myself off but I guess I felt that was it for me. I hated knowing I was another year older and there were so many things I didn’t get to achieve.
    I guess ignoring it makes me stay the same age..
    Yes I am one if those people that can’t accept age. I think it’s because I felt my youth was taken away having Chloe .. I grew up at the ageof 20. So since then I chose to not celebrate. With that I hate celebrating others Birthdays. I usually make up some lame excuse
    Not to go or I just say ‘no not going’.
    If some one gets a gift then feel privileged.

    Where do you fit?? I dont know either. I remember having a convisation with mum back in ’98 about what I wanted to get out if finding you. A answer and maybe a special friend.
    Where do you fit?? Not sure .. Are you a mother figure to me.. No.. Are you a sister figure to me.. No..
    What are you?? I don’t know. Its a Weird feeling. I know I’m suppose to know you. I have this compelling ‘have to’ feeling but why.

    It’s almost complicated.. Right??

  2. Dear Viv, Were do you fit in, you fit in right were you are a part of her life. I said to you on that first photo album these are the first 18 years of Tash’s life Our daughter (yours and ours) and enjoy the rest of her life with us that still stands to-day 13 year’s later. Enjoy your day, I will miss not being there. We always said we did some things the same when you put about the date, I had the same problem, is it the 10/11 or 11/10?
    How funny is that, it will now take me the 2 days to see her. Give her a BIG HUG from me as I know she will be a little sad as well because you are right, she dosn’t like birthdays much, would not let me give her a 30 last year. A Big Happy Birtday to my Baby Girl and all have a great day. Lots of Love Sandra

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