Home without my baby

The first 6 weeks – So now I have the ability to change my mind. I’m back at work. Everyone at work had been told what i went through. They were all in shock and pretty much didn’t say anything. I am sure it was out of respect so they didn’t hurt me in any way. Really – WHAT DO YOU SAY????? Gloria was a lady i worked close with and she took me under her wings, for that i will always be eternally grateful. I had access to a counsellor for at least 4 visits. I would meet her in Anzac Square in Brisbane City for lunch and chat. She then told me that she couldn’t help me anymore as she had other people she needed to help that That Was That, that was the extent of the external help i got. I wasn’t able to talk to Mum or anyone, so i learnt to just say nothing. I threw myself into work and skating. I never did skate the same after her birth. My hips had changed and my coach lost confidence in me as i had lost my peak, this was the beginning of the end for my skating carrier. I was introduced to alcohol and drugs and this is how i suppressed my feelings. At age 19 i was sacked from my Insurance Job as i was now on Senior wages. My Boss arranged for me to live on Norfolk Island to do computer Data Entry and teach Roller Skating to the locals in their local Hall. I did that for 1 year and i returned Home. Life on Norfolk Island was very interesting. I was lucky enough to have a best friend Julianne a local and Pitcan descendant, i was then able to mix with the locals and we had the time of our lives. There was no TV we had to listen to Radio Australia. Cooked in Wood Fire Ovens. There was only 1 small electric generator for all the residents on the island so power failure was often. Again Drugs were a huge part of the young people’s lives so after 1 year i flew home to detox in away. So many Parties and Fish Fries. So many memories. If only i could open my eyes and see what opportunity was in front of me. No i had to take the long road didn’t I. As far as i knew my parents had no idea. I returned home, got a job to work for a Chiropractic Clinic at Corinda. I believe that this job saved my life. For the next 2-3 years i would be introduced to self motivation and NLP seminars that helped me become the person i am today. My lowest point was being in an abusive relationship. One night i thought i was going to die. I had a carving knife held to my neck being threatened of having my throat cut open. There was no reason only to much alcohol. What the hell is life for? I talk myself in out of this situation somehow i bolt out the back door i run until i get to the main road. I have low self esteem at this stage thinking that i don’t deserve any better, i am a used women, no decent man will want me bla bla bla…. I run onto a main road, Oxley Road,  I throw myself in front of a car, lucky for me it stops in time and i look up to find its a Police Car. O Shit. The 2 coppa’s got out of the car and drilled me for being so selfish and disrespectful. They told me to think of the driver and how it would off affected him.  I then realised that I had to make some life choices. I decide to leave Brisbane and Live and work in Airlie Beach as a computer typesetter. This is where i met Peter. I have known peter since i was 10 yrs old. We went to the same high school (Inala State High School) and after school we went to the same parties.

I was in Brisbane Christmas 1985 and went to a club with my girlfriend Noela and ran into Peter’s ex girlfriend whom proceeded to tell me that Peter was up in Airlie Beach on Holidays with another Friend of ours as they had broken up.  I told her that i was living up there now and that i was heading home tomorrow and i would try and catch up with them. Lucky me. When i was a teenager at the Skating Rink Fri. Night session i would always watch Peter sitting with the naughty kids on the outside of the Rink, drinking Beer and running amuck. I would say to myself that one day i was going to marry that boy. Peter was one of those cools kids that you just didn’t speak to unless you were in the IN GROUP of kids. I used to think he wouldn’t talk to me etc. Peter had no boundries at home and therefore could do whatever he liked. He was a street kid. .  Totally different to me.  I could not believe that opportunity was knocking for me.

So off course when i arrived back in Airlie i told my girlfriends that a couple of Brissy Guys were in town and that without a doubt they would be at the Pub. Yep i was right. They were playing marbles at the Airlie Beach Pub. We got together that night and have been together ever since.

Peter was unemployed (plasterer) had no car, no money and almost no clothes. I soon talk him into staying with me in Airlie and to try and look for work. He did. I gave him my push bike and told him to ask around job sites for work. He meets Brian Claydon who becomes one of his good friends. We lost Brian to Prostate Cancer  2009.

One night we were both rolling drunk and i decide that this is the Man i love and i need to tell him about my baby. I told him and he went off his head. Not at the fact that i gave birth but at the fact that i gave her up for adoption. The next morning i thought the relationship was going to be off or he won’t remember. He never said anything, so i didn’t either. Turns out he forgot. After a year of alcohol abuse and copious amounts of partying, Dr. Hamilton phones me up and offers me my job back. I am so lucky. I decide to leave Airlie and head back. Peter was unsure what he wanted to do, so he stayed behind. 6 weeks later he walks into work and surprises me by telling me that he has come back also and that he loves me. He has lined up work with his Brother In Law and another journey begins……… Do i tell him again??????


4 responses

  1. So how did you train your brain to switch off and not think of me. Was it hard to look at mothers with there babies? Did u look at kids that would of been my age and think what did I look like?
    I know that you forgot my date of birth.. That’s weird ..
    That serious burying.. I remember the day you asked when was my birthday and I was devastated.
    But what made you want to blurt it out all of a sudden to Peter that night? Was it regret?

    • I never switched my brain off. I always thought of you. I just didn’t say anything. I used to always think of your age and look at kids the same age as you and imagine a little girl that looked like me at that age and imagine what it would be like if you were with me. When you turned 16 i prayed all year that you would not fall pregnant at age 16 like your mother and grandmother. I believe this was one of my first questions to you. As for telling Peter i had a choice to make. Do i tell him and suffer the concequences or do i not tell him and see you and have a life with you behind his back. No i couldn’t do that. My kids now have a big sister and I wanted him to be a part of that. I have never lied to Peter and I needed to tell him. I needed this to finally be out in the open, I had been silent for long enough. Things did go ugly for us for a while but we love each other so much that we worked through it. Having told him about you has made us closer than ever. He loves me as much today as he did when we got married. He loves you as much as i do. He has known you as long as i have. He loves that Chloe calls him Poppy Pete. He loves that he can talk about motorbikes with Jason. You really are family. In the past 12 years that we have known you we have been there for your 18th, 21st, engagement, marrage and the birth of Chloe. I call me the lucky one because alot of birthmums miss all that because there reunions were later in life so you did us a huge favour by contacting us while you were young. I am internally grateful that you found me. You make my heart sing.

  2. Im glad tash contacted you as soon as she did. Because I was only 5 when she did so, and we only saw her like once a year, I don’t remember ever not knowing who she was. I don’t remember ever feeling awkward around her, I never remember not understanding that she was adopted. It just all seemed to make sense and I accepted that. Not once did my brother and I notice their fighting because of this situation and they still managed to successfully raise us as two loving parents would.

    I read all Tash’s comments and how she questions mums ability to simply, for want of a better word, ignore, the initial bond with your new born. Im only 18 and am definitely not in a position where I know what such a bond feels like but I dont understand why Tash isnt settled with the fact that her adoption was the most responsible option. Imagine what Tash’s life would have been like if she stayed with her 17yr old mother… and this i’ll never fully understand cause I wasnt adopted…

    • Ayrlie Rae i remember you being so excited that you had a big sister. You were only 5 but buy the time you were 10 you worked out that Dad wasn’t Tash’s dad. That was a hard one for me to accept. Having a child to another Father and having to explain that Mummy had a baby and I gave that baby away to someone who couldn’t have children. You soaked that information up and never questioned me, for that i am truly grateful. In saying that you girls (Tash, Ayrlie & Chloe) are soooooo alike it doesn’t really matter in the great sceme of things. I have learnt to not live life worried about what other people think. We love you all unconditionally regardless. I recently asked your Brother Liam how he feels and he said he doesn’t even remember his life without Natasha. How awesome is that. He was only 2 when she came into our lives. This is why i am so grateful she found us at an early age.

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